✍️✍️✍️✍️ The Kiss 馃拫馃拫馃拫馃拫 18+ Reading Episode 171 || 172 || 173... 180✍️✍️✍️✍️

{Loving him with all his flaws.}
Before I got into my car, a cab stopped in front of mine and got a glimpse of dark hair.
The girl came out and began walking towards Jamir’s building. It’s Ciara. Why the fuck is she here? For tattoo?
I don’t know why but I raced after her and grabbed her wrist.
“What the fuck are you here for?!” Just like I hated the idea of Mariana getting a tattoo, I hate this one too. What the hell is wrong with these girls?
“Whoa! Let go of me dude. You’re not my mother.”
“Bullshit! Just tell me what the heck you’re here for. Tattoo?”
“Why are you so concerned? Have you perhaps fallen in love with me or..”
A voice I know very well interrupted and I turned along with Ciara. The expression on her face was grave as she snapped her hand from my grasp. It’s just Nina. Why is she so scared?
I looked at my friend Nina and her angry face then to Ciara’s scared face then I began to connect the dots. The fuck. It’s unbelievable. I hope my mind is not deceiving me.
“Nina what the…”
“Shut the fuck up you bloody bastard! What happened to your girl? Why the fuck were you holding her? I thought you left for your rich girlfriend?!” She snapped angrily at me and her hand went around Ciara’s waist possessively.

“Oh oo. Thought you said love was pain? And that you will never fall in love? What happened, Nina Styles?” I whistled and pocketed. I can’t believe this.
It was the turn of Ciara to be surprised, angry, sad, and all of it.
“You said that?” Ciara asked, her button lips trembled. It’s obvious Nina has been breaking her heart.
“Don’t mind him Cee. I was teasing him back there because her girl dumped his ass. Tell me, what did he tell you? Hope he didn’t..”
“Stop it, babe. Donovan didn’t do anything okay?”
“He better not else I will forget our friendship and fry his balls then shove them deep down his throat.” Nina threatened.
I shake my head sideways with a smile. Here I thought I was the only jealous freak. It turns out Nina is worse. I better not tell her that I kissed her girl months ago. I’m sure Ciara didn’t tell her either.
“Never knew you’re..” I grinned at her.
“You’re not about to judge us.”
“Not at all.” I rubbed my palms together with a smirk. This is so amusing.
“You both know each other?” Ciara asked.
“Yeah. Your girlfriend is my best friend. Right, Nina?”
“Yes, Cee. He’s my friend. An asshole.” Nina pecked her and she giggled. I really need her to tell me when all this began.
When did I even start being curious? I never gave a damn about her life and what she does about it and now? What the hell is wrong with me?
“If you don’t mind, can I have a word with your girlfriend?” I asked Nina.
“Why? Do you two know each other? Cee? Did you have something to do with him? I swear..”
“Take a chill pill, Nina. I met her once at my cabin then on campus but you have nothing to be afraid of. You know I’m already completely crazy about someone else. Trust me.” I tried to convince her.
“Okay but give us ten feet.”
I walked back to my car but my eyes were still on them.
Nina is just wearing striped denim shorts, a tube covering her boobs then a jeans jacket which is open to reveal the black tube that matched with her boots. Her hair is now dyed bright red. Tattoos all over her body just like mine. Ciara on the other hand is looking so pure in her decent navy blue dress that matches her eyes and toms. What a contrast. It’s opposites coming together. So much difference. It’s just like Mariana and I standing together. Now I know what people see whenever we’re together. It’s weird and not nice but looked good at the same time but in a way. Not everyone will want their daughter hanging out with my caliber. It looks toxic and risky all at once from afar. Society is gonna frown at it but then, I think that is how it is supposed to be. Not always good plus good. If it’s that way, then who will bring people like me from the dark? Who will help us become perfect in our own way?
“What do you want to talk to me about?” Ciara asked when she returned.
“You’re done?” I lift a brow.
“Yeah.” She blushed.
“It’s Mariana. I want you to come with me somewhere.”
“Just come with me.”
“Nina won’t allow.”
“Fuck her! She’s my friend. Nothing will happen.”
“Okay. First, tell me what she did? We haven’t spoken in ten months and you’re here talking to me.”
My mind goes back to how my relationship has turned to. She fucking made Edward pick my call. Edward of all people. How can Mariana do this to me?
“I didn’t talk to you because I didn’t need you.” My anger refueled and I just feel like hitting his head against a rock. Edward really wants to die. The fact that I don’t talk doesn’t mean that I’m okay.
“So what happened now?” She rolled her eyes.
“Can you cut being bitchy?”
“Call me that and I will be out of here.”
“Whatever. She’s also a bitch for what she’s been doing to me. Seriously, you’re all fucked up.”
“Don’t call your girlfriend out of her name.” She scolded.
“My girlfriend?” I snorted.
“I don’t know what that girl is to me again. I’m tired.” I leaned further in my car. It hurts a lot. I don’t think I deserve it.
“Now you’re all soft again. Tell me what happened.” She gave me sympathetic looks.
“She went out with someone else again. In fact not someone. I’ve warned her to stay away from him countless times but she doesn’t wanna listen.”
“The guy, he wants to die?” She asked and I looked at her.
“I think.” I opened my car.
“Wait wait wait. I’m coming with you.”
“No!” I changed my mind.
“You won’t go and do anything stupid. He doesn’t even worth your beatings. Just keep your hands in your pocket and we can do something else fun.”
“You mean?”
“Just trust me.” She smiled and I nodded.
The fact that she’s gay makes it more comfortable to hang out with her.
“Be careful Anderson. I know what you can do and believe me, I won’t hesitate to fuck you up if you try shit with her.” Nina said when I was taking Ciara away.
“You know I won’t do that to you,” I assured her.
“I hope.” She sighed and they kissed for some minutes before she let go of her.
When we got to the restaurant, my eyes roamed and settled on the duo. Mariana looked to be daydreaming while the asshole was gawking at her with a dreamy look. Fuck his ass! I latched forward to give him a well-deserving punch on his eyes but then Mariana number two held me back.
“Don’t do this. I told you he doesn’t deserve it.”
“Who says he doesn’t deserve it. Just look at his face? He deserves just that.”
“That face is cute. Please don’t destroy it.”
Yeah. He’s handsome and I’m jealous that his handsomeness has already swept my sweet poor baby girl off her feet.
“Let’s get a table. That will be better.” Ciara pointed to a table and chair a few feet from Mariana’s table.
I sat with my back facing her but Ciara was seated such that she faced them directly.
She called a waiter for water and sipped it quietly while looking at me. Coming here with her was so difficult because Nina didn’t want it. She’s so possessive. I had to assure her so many times before she allowed and gave us an hour.
“Don’t look at me.”
“You wish.” She denied but looked away. “Why will I look at you anyway.”
“Because I’m yours and every girl’s dream guy.”
“I can see that. I see she’s there and you’re here”
“Thanks for reminding me that I’m bad and can never be good for anyone.”
“Oh no. You misconstrued. I was only kidding. I’m sorry.”
“I don’t mind.”
“You sure?”
“I’m actually glad that you’re speaking to me again and we’re sitting here also. I haven’t seen all talk much to you in months. I was shocked when I saw you for the first time without your metals. Why did you do it?”
“I look ugly without them?”
“Then keep shut.”
“You’ll never change.” She smiled.
Is she right? Won’t I ever change to be better so that Mariana stops being with Edward?
Fuck. I don’t mind. Mariana can do whatever she wants.
“What are we even doing here.?”
“To make her jealous. What else?”
“I won’t stoop to her level okay.” I’ve already made up my mind.
“Cut this shit and let’s get out of here.”
“Shhh.. she’s coming,” Ciara whispered.
“Really?” I asked and she nodded.
I wish you didn’t attempt this Mariana. Anyway, it’s all the same.
I leaned over their table with my hand on it. Novan was staring into his phone with jaws clenched and Ciara was just looking at him as she sipped water. I’ve spent a minute already and they both seem not to have noticed me. They sure should be pretending.
“What is this again Novan?” Ciara raised her gaze a little high at me before dropping it. To Novan, I was still non-existent. He has a white bandage around his wrist which had me worried as well.
“I’m talking to you, Donovan.” He just put the phone in his pocket and looked at Ciara.
“Shall we go?” He asked.
“I think so.”
My God! What the hell is Novan doing? He’s snubbing me and for what?
“So this is it. You couldn’t leave her after the first kiss, right? You shamelessly brought her here and you think I won’t know..”
“If you know what is actually good for you go back to your Edward before you regret it. Don’t keep your beloved waiting.”
“Don’t create excuses. Edward is my friend but this? Who’s she?” I point to the blue-eyed girl.
“That’s it!” He yelled. It was so fast. He got up and knocked their table over as Ciara yelped.
“Who are you, Mariana?! Please tell me! Who the fuck on earth are you?!” His voice is loud.
“What are you if not a self-centered selfish bitch!”
“What?” I gasped. I didn’t have the time to look around. I’m sure everyone is looking at us by now.
“Yes, that’s what you are! Don’t pretend to be surprised. I know you! You want to be happy but you don’t want me to be. And what did you think?” He chuckled and moved his arms around.
“That I came here with Ciara to get back at you? Is that what you think? Is that why you walked over? Well, I knew but I hoped you wouldn’t do it but you did. Just because you’re a selfish slut you think that is what I am. That I came here with Ciara to make you jealous. Fuck that! I will never stoop to your level okay?!”
“Then..why did you come here then?!” I tried not to let his insults sink into me.
“Because I knew you’d do something like this and it pains me that you don’t know me up till now! I was hoping you won’t draw conclusions but you did. Why? Because you were busy cheating on me with that stupid loser. Am I not your boyfriend anymore? Why do you keep doing this to me? Tell me, Mariana!” He yelled and shook me by the shoulder.
“Novan don’t do this here please,” I begged.
“What did you expect when you walked here?” He let go of me. “Listen, I no longer care about anyone learning about our shit! I’m so fed up with you Mariana. You keep killing me at every chance you get. Lastly, you trusted that stupid bastard over me. I’ve kept quiet for too long and you know it. Who the fuck do you even think you are? Some alpha? So only you can go out with your friends and I can’t? All you think about is yourself! If Edward is your friend then Ciara can also be. You’ve always said I’m crazy but I realized you’re crazier than I am. I can’t believe you walked up here to do what? Congratulations, you caught me cheating. You caught me, Miss Dominguez! Now do your worse let me see it. You’ll break up with me? Come on do it! You’ll slap me? Do all of it! I’m ready for them since that’s what you’re excellent at my little miss fucking perfect!”
“What are you saying?” He didn’t say he’s fed up with me, did he?
“You think yourself so high and mighty! You make me look like am nobody because your ass is rich and because I love you more than anything in this world isn’t it? Yes, I love you Mariana. I love you with everything but what have you ever done? You’re so ungrateful! I did everything possible I could do! I went out of my way for you! I let things that matter to me go! I began to act like a puppet as that’s what you wanted! You fucking controlled me! I don’t roll with my friends! I let everything go! What else haven’t I done for your sake, Mariana! Just tell me? It’s just left for me to kill myself for you then maybe you’ll be grateful and see that I’m trying and even that I’m ready and willing. I’m tired of you punishing me day in and out. You saw me with Ciara so you’re all vexed up and coming to lash out at me like the control freak you are? Imagine what I went through all this month seeing you with that prick! You paid a deaf ear to all my pleadings to stay away from him! You killed me, Mariana! I don’t know what else is left! Why did you do this to me? What have I done other than Love you with my all? Just one request. Stop seeing Edward but you wouldn’t. You love him so you can’t let go of him… What can I do now? You leave me all alone to enjoy your time with him. You brought all my fears to life. You resurrected them and nurtured them.” I saw him wipe a tear away and I feel my cheeks wet.
What have I done? It was not intentional.
“Baby please I am..”
” Oh shut the fuck up! You…you.. brought him here and he picked my call and told me shit! This is not the first. I told you that he was the one who texted me months ago but you didn’t believe it. I told you about his intentions but you didn’t believe it. He’s an angel so you keep following him like a lapdog wherever he goes. You keep entertaining him when I told you that it kills me. You didn’t think of my feelings and kept doing what I dislike. Today I want to free you from me Mariana. You can go back and date him, marry him, and bare beautiful kids together. Do what you want to do with him and I don’t care. I don’t care. But you’re free to follow your Mr nice. I know you’re happy now…”
“Shut up Novan. What are you saying? Did you realize what you’re doing?”
“I’m aware. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be what you wanted me to be. I’m sorry that I was never enough for you. I’m sorry that I came into your life. I’m sorry for everything, all the things…”
“Stop it Novan!”
“No, allow me to talk.”
“Yes. There is not any part of miserable you haven’t shown me. I’ve felt it all. The loneliness, rejection, the pain everything. I wish you nothing but the best Mariana. I hope you’ll be happy…” He paused and walked to Edward who was now standing behind me. “He will keep you happy. He’s a nice guy, right? Just look at him. Such a charming cutie. You’ll keep her happy, won’t you? I know you will.” He turned to me. I’m too shocked to do anything now. I don’t understand what Novan is doing.
“You’ll be happy Mariana because you have someone. But I know I will be sad and lonely for the rest of my life because there’s no other person for me. It’s just you but this is life where things are not forced. I won’t force you anymore and I can’t take the pain anymore. It’s too much and that is why in front of everyone today, I say we’re over. WE’RE DONE, Mariana! There’s no more US. Just Mariana and Donovan. Even though I know there’s nobody in this world that can love you as much as I do, I wish you all the best. I pray Edward gives you all the love and keeps you happy. Whatever I failed to do, I pray he does it for you. You still deserve the best. But you’ll never find anybody who will love you as I did.”
I stumbled back. My knees wobbled and my heart thumped.
“Are you mad? What are you saying?” Ciara whispered to him but it was loud enough for me to hear.
“Edward is just a friend, Novan. Thought I told you that and you agreed. You don’t say anything when I meet him. Why are you being this way now?”
“Because I pretended to be unaffected. I hate him and I wish I can tell you the same.”
He turned on his heels and began to walk out of the restaurant.
I ran after him.
“Novan!” When I was close to his car, a hand dragged me back. It’s Edward.
“He’s leaving Ed. Let go of me.”
“You don’t have to run after him. Let him go.”
“What? No!” Novan is my life. I can’t let him go.
“Why can’t you? If he’s leaving just let him.”
“What?” I stare into his face. “He’s my boyfriend Edward.”
“Yes but he doesn’t deserve you. Now that he’s leaving finally, just let him go and be happy.”
“I’m not done with him. I love him!”
“Bullshit!” He let go of my hand and I got my second shock.
“You keep saying that and yet all your time is spent with me. Why do you keep coming to me when you know you love him?”
“You’re my friend and I like you a lot.”
“I don’t want us to be friends. I never wanted that! I just want you okay?”
“What do you mean? How can you want me? You have a girlfriend..”
“Cut that crap! Have you ever seen me with any girl?”
“But you said you’re dating Aria.”
“Have you ever seen me with her before?”
“Well..” I’m speechless. I’ve actually not seen Aria with him before and he never introduced her. Worse, I never asked of her. I was okay with her absence. Why? It’s definitely not love. I do not love him but Novan.
“You love me, Mariana! I know you do. I’m so sure.” He cupped my face.
“No! You’re my friend. Please don’t do this!”
“I’m not your friend. I’ve always loved you!”
“So you never dated Aria?”
“What will I do with that cheap slut? I’ve never even spoken to her before.”
“Then?” I’m scared of the details.
“I love you Mariana. I’ve always loved you since the day my eyes set on you. I’ve only wanted you and I’ve spent this past months waiting eagerly for you to return my love. It happened. When I told you that I was dating Aria, You got upset. I think you did and it’s because you have feelings for me. I wanted you to realize it so I didn’t push it. We became friends and so close. I knew I was there and now you said you love him?”
I’m horrified at his confession. He’s supposed to be my friend. Not some secret lover.
“You’re not thinking straight Ed. Please let me go!”
“No, I won’t! Not again Mariana. You keep going away from me but I won’t allow it this time. Can’t you see how good we look together? We’re like a match made in heaven. We have so much in common and I’m not even like Donovan. I really love you Mariana! I can’t let you go back to him! ”
“Don’t be surprised! You love me I know it! Donovan blinded you that’s why you don’t see it!”
“What makes you think I love you?”
“I love you Edward but not in the way I love Novan. The way I care for Novan is not the same as I care for you. You’re simply my friend. Nothing more, nothing less.”
“Then why the hell do you keep coming to me? Why do you keep spending time with me and making me think of all things? You lead me on and now you’re saying what? How can you play with my feelings this way? You should’ve stayed away if you knew you didn’t love me. I thought you had some sort of feelings for me. You were so kind, nice, and loving. I haven’t been treated by a lady like you do me before. You gave me hope and now you crushed it. Instead of letting him go and giving me a chance you want to chase after him? How could you Mariana?!”
“I keep coming because you’re my friend. Nothing else. I’m sorry if I gave the wrong signals but that is it. You of all people should know how much I love Novan. I can’t love anybody else as I do him!” I screamed as loud as I could.
“You failed me. That is not what I wanted. I want you and you alone. Not even as a friend.” He dropped his forehead against mine and I feel his warm tears drop on my cheeks and mixed with mine.
“Stop saying all this Ed.” I pulled back. Novan is already gone. I need to hurry and go to him.
“I did everything Mariana. You can’t imagine.”
“What did you do? All you did was to help me. You’ve always supported Novan and you even tried to get him back in the competition. You also got him from prison. You’re so good and wonderful Ed. You’re such a good friend and I don’t want to lose you. Please don’t ruin our friendship. You don’t actually love me. Please stop this.”
“You’re mistaken! I probably love you more than that tattooed bad boy named Donovan! I’m even mature. We click and your mom loves me and even wanted us together. Your family loves me too and your father holds me in high regard. Tell me what else you want. None of your family members even like him. In fact, they don’t approve of your relationship. And you’re talking about help? I only tried because of my love for you. I never helped Donovan? All I did was to hate him! I hate him to the Moon and back. I didn’t even want him to win the competition so I somehow managed to contact his mom to appear during the final selection. It worked but then I don’t know how he got called back and even made a chief chef. I went to France only to get close to you not to support him. And just recently, I texted him with your phone to drift you two apart and it worked because I knew how Novan can’t control himself around drugs. He got arrested and I only gave my opinion and argued with the police because I wanted to be in your good books. I wanted you to see how good I am and even that day in your office I actually wanted to kiss you but I knew you’ll refuse so when you did, I turned the tables and made you feel bad. That brought you even closer to me and you apologized. You saw that I didn’t want to take advantage and that I’m a decent guy. I did all that then today I picked your call and threw shit at Donovan. The result is this and you want to leave me upon all that I did just to have you? How can you let my efforts go in vain? I’ve never been bad before but I did just so I can have you! I turn into a fucking villain. I even behind your encounter with Haiden on Valentine’s day. Do you remember? You were at a chocolate shop. I planned all of it when I came to Novan’s house and overheard his conversation with Nervisa’s nanny. He was planning to celebrate it with you and I didn’t want that. I wanted to celebrate it with you and so I caused that rift. I asked you out that day and expected us to meet but then I learned you were going to that stupid cabin he had downtown. I double-crossed and convinced Ciara who’s Nina’s girlfriend and looked so much like you to follow Donovan into the woods. I begged her because she didn’t want to and for Haiden, I paid him. Everything worked in my favor and as usual, Novan helped me by kissing her. You got mad at him and I thought you’ll break up but no! You came back closer more than before so I had to use your phone to text him. I supplied the drugs at the party and during the fight, I called the police. I love you Mariana. Can’t you see it? Why are you so damn clueless?!” His voice catches at the end and he was breathless.
What? I couldn’t speak. My shaking jaw hangs wide apart and the chills that ran down my spine were severe than the chilly air whisking around us.
Novan was right. God. I fucked up big time.
“” I’m so shocked. I shake my head and stepped far from him. I ran past him inside the restaurant and picked my purse.
“Mariana please.” He followed me as I walk to my car. Thank God I came in my car.
“Fuck off Edward!” I got into my car and slammed the door shut.
“I’m sorry.” He cried against my window.
“I’m also sorry but you went far with this. How could you?” I put the key into the ignition.
“I didn’t have a choice in this. I wanted you at all costs. I love you.”
I didn’t know what to say to him and I haven’t gotten time to think about all that he revealed. I don’t care about that now. I want to see Novan.
I left him in the parking lot and drove crazily into the street.
I hopped out of the car when I got home and rushed inside.
“Sharon where’s Novan?!” I asked once my eyes catch the sight of the elderly woman.
“No, you tell me what’s happening between you two?!” Surprisingly, she yelled back at me.
“I will tell you later but please I need to know if he came home.”
“He did but left again with Nervisa..”
“What?” I rushed upstairs.
I rushed into our room and everything was intact except that his closet was opened.
My eyes fell on the nightstand table and instantly my knees weakened and my heart broke into a thousand pieces. I dropped down and looked at the items one after the other.
On the nightstand is the Kindle I got him, the chain along with the ones I got for the Nervisa, and even his tongue, mouth, and nose rings. My gifts were on top of two papers. The first one I took was a handwritten letter and the next one was our divorce papers which he has signed.
“No.” My tears are unceasing and I nearly collapsed onto the floor. My chest feels like it has been ripped off.
My heart falls onto the floor as I opened the letter to read. I couldn’t. My tears blinded my vision completely.
{Loving him with all his flaws.}
My heart fell onto the floor as I opened the letter to read. I couldn’t. My tears blinded my vision completely, falling violently over the rushed black ink scribblings on the paper as I tried to make out a word. Even though I know my tears will ruin the letter before I read, I am too numb to do anything. I finally tried to wipe it away but they overflowed. My eyes are burning, my throat is dry with a lump I’m trying to swallow and my already broken heart is aching so badly. It’s so severe and I feel like I’m slipping away. In an attempt to save the piece of paper which had Novan’s voice on it, I hugged it close to my chest and cried bitterly than I’ve ever done. How did this happen? I was looking forward to having him at home today so that we can make amends. I already miss him a lot and all I’ve been waiting for is to be able to sleep in his arms again. Why does everyone keep doing this to me? Is it a crime to be nice and care for someone? Why did Edward betray me this way? I didn’t mean it the wrong way but he thought I loved him. How’s that possible? And Novan, I was only doing what I thought was best for us. Did he think it was easy for me to be so far away from him? It took me a lot of self-control and will power and now he’s leaving me when I want him so badly always?
“Don’t do this to me Novan. Please come back to me.” I wailed. I can’t do this. Why do we always keep having problems with problems?
When I told Novan the first that we’re over, I didn’t mean it. I never meant it when I said I would leave him and yet he was so serious today. He told me that he’s done with me. He said he’s fed up. Novan said he’s fed up with me. Oh, God. How can he get fed up with me? I love him. Oh.
“Novan I’m sorry please come back. I didn’t mean it. You’re my life. I will die if you go away please don’t do this. I’m so so sorry my love. I’m sorry but I swear it wasn’t intentional. It never was. I just wanted the best for us. It’s Edward who deceived me. He did this to us and I’m sorry that I didn’t heed to your warnings and didn’t believe you. You were so right and I’m the one in the wrong. Please come back. I won’t frustrate you with anything again. Please come.” I cried out loudly as if he was around.
Eventually, I gathered my bundled up body from the hard floor then with everything in me, I brought the letter from my chest and ran my heavy swollen eyes on the words.
Okay, so this is the same letter from Val’s day just a little addiction. I told you I was gonna complete it and so I did. Just that, the outcome wasn’t what I hoped for.
Before you proceed in reading, I will like you to know something I’m sure you yourself is aware of. I suck in literature and neither do I have the nice words to melt your heart and make you swoon. Advance sorry if I don’t use the right words. Okay, I’m really awful at this. But I’m gonna try. I believe that’s what you always want of me. I’m gonna borrow some few words also. It could be from you and anyone else…
Okay, I know the past week has been a difficult one for you, for us in which I almost lost you completely or I did and I nearly gave up but today being Val’s, I decided to bring it on again. This is just one of them. Not because of Val’s though because I can choose any other day to do it but I just wanna be a little of Mr romantic today. Pardon me. I’m already flopping but I really wanna do this in the hope of bringing out some of the good times we shared. I think all of it because they’re not enough but I will make it up to you. Okay, I’m smiling now as I’m trying to remember the first time.
First off, my most cherished moments with you is when I get to pester you and your reaction. That’s so cute and I miss it. You obviously didn’t like it but then I did. It was the only way I could get to you then.
Let’s move from here and go to our prom day in highschool. I think that was where it all began. Did you know I wasn’t actually the one to be your king but I manipulated situations? Well, I did. I’m sorry but hey, those were my moments and I enjoyed every second of them. I wanted a kiss that you denied by stamping on my feet. That was hilarious and humiliating all at once and I deserve it. I knew you wouldn’t allow me to kiss you but I pushed it and I later chased you for the kiss as if it was a debt you owe me. Chasing you for a kiss was fun to me especially at the park and when we went for a rollercoaster ride. It’s funny that now our relationship is one hell of a rollercoaster as well. We cry and scream at each other then we give each other the silent treatment like children then later come back again. Such is a rollercoaster ride. It’s scary but people still take it anyway. The next was at a bar when you actually wanted to kiss me after losing to me in the game of pool. Playing with you was fun but not what happened afterward. I was a dick and I’m sorry. After that nothing eventful happened. Just our normal fights after your attack in the washroom and I came to save you. You thought it was me so you got mad. Nothing else happened and we kept fighting. You got a suspension and that really hurt me. I started being Shane but the fights with Novan were constant. It got worse when I accused you of my sister’s sickness. Those were not good memories. I’m sorry. But I enjoyed getting the dye out of your hair and I gave you a statement I stole from the AFTER book when you changed from your wet clothes. You wanted me to give you privacy. I think it was, ” Don’t flatter yourself, I’m not looking.” That was cheesy. I hated it when you changed your hair color and you should’ve known before getting a tattoo. I never liked those things for you. I left the country in anger towards myself greatly and you for almost four months and returned after learning the truth. You were in college then. Nothing eventful happened yet again except for some apologies which you forgave me. We made quite a memory in the maze too. Hope you remembered and when I took you to the desert as Shane. We say by a Spring pool and took some pictures. I won’t count that because it wasn’t Novan. Okay. So what again happened? Nothing much. I’m just realizing that I couldn’t make memorable moments with you. I can’t believe we fought all this time. Anyway, I’m still remembering. Now let’s start from when we started dating. Uhm..what did we do? Yeah. I kissed you for the first time legally and came alive. Not only did you throw light into my life Mariana, but you also breathe life into me. That moment was my best of all. It was in your room and you were in your favorite pajamas. You won’t remember but it’s a matching set and the color is white with blue lilies littered in it. I still remember that day and I replay it in my mind because it was then my life began for me. You don’t know what you did for me. I saw my dream, hope, and aspirations come alive all at once. I knew when I have you, there is nothing in this world that I can’t overcome. Even though you know it already, I will like to say it again. I love you Mariana. I wish I could talk about this part all day but then I need to move on to another. Our moments at the cabin too were good and meant to be memorable but then you got hurt and missed an exam. All the same, it was good, not my favorite though. The next moment was when we went to Seattle. We had a good time at the cafe shop in the morning but something happened and our day got ruined. Something always occurs. We came back earlier than we planned and the next moment was on my birthday where we had to run around the house together like kids. That was fun. That was the only time we didn’t fight unnecessarily. In the night, at the new year’s Eve party, something happened. It always does. We start our day nicely but it never ends nice. Look, I was supposed to share our best moments but I can’t say them without saying the bad. They’re joined. I mean good and bad. It’s joined to ‘us’ and I know I’m always the bad. I don’t know how to finish this letter even on a good one. How do we overcome this Mariana? I don’t know. Okay, I didn’t mean for it to go this way. Our next moment was in France and it wasn’t good. So many obstacles, little happy times then the night we fought. The next day was better and we went to the Eiffel tower after breakfast at Paul Bocuse’s legendary restaurant. That was fun and we got a bit drunk returning from the tower. The night was fantastic. You gave yourself to me, heart, body, and soul. You gave me something that I still don’t think I deserve. You shed blood for me and accepted me wholly into you. I will cherish that moment forever. The moment where we became one, two hearts beating as one in one body. It was phenomenal and as I said, I won’t ever forget that day. But then, fight is a common thing for us. It looks like we’ll never quit. It happened again and we came back to Australia in a bad mood. I really want to talk about our happy moments but it seems impossible without hitting past the bad. Nothing eventful occurred except for us migrating from one fight to the other, facing troubles upon troubles then this big one. I won’t talk about it. Listing all the real moments I think it’s not bad from the day we began to date and shared our first kiss then at the cabin where we had a little good time also then Seattle and France. It’s not enough Mariana. I wish to make more memories with you but I’m glad and grateful that the good and bad was spent with you and I cherish the little moments where we don’t fight. In fact, my time with you whether good or bad is my best moment. I don’t care what we face, what matters is you never leaving my side. I want you always with me. I hope by now you know what all this letter is about. I just wanted to bring our happy moments to life on this day and I want you to read it aloud to my hearing so that we can talk and maybe laugh about it. Especially the silly ones but then, I realized they’re not enough. Not enough memories for us. We were too busy fighting to make any. You know what, I’m stopping here and you’ll continue…
I blinked several, he didn’t continue. This is the same page he paused for the first time I saw I saw the letter. He left about five lines and I saw another writing after. This was just a while ago.
I didn’t continue that line of this write-up because I wanted to buy myself more time to make quality fight-free memories with you but then, ten months have passed already and our relationship has shifted from frying pan to the hot burning coal. Many were the obstacles we faced but this is bigger than us, we couldn’t fight it. Since valentine when I took the letter from you, I started looking for the days and I wanted to refill this space that I left but nothing to fill it with, and I had promised to complete it and give it to you but I failed. Ten months have passed and I couldn’t get anything to fill the space. Did you remember what I said to you when you asked why I didn’t complete it? I will repeat them if you don’t remember.
“It wasn’t enough so I thought you could add so we explore together but I got a better idea. I will fill it up myself hopefully if I get a chance.”
“I’m confused. I don’t understand.”
“You’re not supposed to understand but you will… someday.”
That is what I said. What I meant wasn’t enough is the memories so at first I left the space and said if we meet for dinner on the balcony, you’ll help me complete it with things you want us to do so we explore them together. But then, I wanted to be the one to give you the joy all alone so I thought I will keep the letter then promised myself to be good to you and make memories with you which I will fill this blank page with but then you know how things turned out. This is ‘the someday’ and I hope you understand Now.
I have already said a lot to you at the restaurant today in my fit of rage but I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been insulting but I meant each word. Not the insult. Mariana, all I’ve done is to love you but I didn’t do it correctly, I think. All we ever had was problems but then I didn’t mind so much because we always manage to come out of them but this is just so different. “Why did you betray your own heart, Cathy (Mariana)? You loved me. And what right had you to leave me? The poor fancy you felt for Linton (Edward)? Nothing that God or Satan could inflict would have parted us. You of your own will did it. I’ve not broken your heart Cathy( Mariana), you have broken it. And in breaking it, you have broken mine.” “Haunt me, drive me mad but don’t ever leave me in the abyss where I cannot find myself.” This is what I’ve been begging you not to do since we started this yet you keep doing it again and again.
You neglected me for Edward. Where have I gone wrong? We were supposed to be together to solve our problems and conquer them. It pains me to do this but after thinking about it through and through, it’s the only way though it’s not my way because never for once did I imagine myself telling you that we should put an end to us. I’ve always wanted you for me but I can’t be selfish. I feel I should give you the chance to get the right happiness that you need which I was never able to give but I tried, maybe my trying wasn’t enough I guess. I’m not bookish but in my attempt and quest to make up for everything, I read a few books, Mariana. I only did because I wanted to know areas where I was coming short and make amends. I wanted to learn and if possible find any love story close to our own I could make references from. First, what I read was Emma, the same book you always hold when I come to see you in your previous apartment and I agreed with a few words that Emma said. ” If a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him.” Which I think because. “You must be the best judge of your own happiness.” I think this is me speaking to you.
“I cannot make speeches, Emma…If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. But you know what I am.”
This is for you.
” A woman is not to marry a man merely because she’s asked or because he’s attached to her and can write a tolerable letter.”
I also read sense and sensibility and this is what I got;
” It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy; it is disposition alone. Seven years will be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other and seven days are more than enough for others.”
The next one was PERSUASIONS and this is all me.
” You Pierce my soul, I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late that such precious feelings are gone forever. I have loved none but you.”
The next is our own very, Pride and prejudice. Truly, you bewitched me before I even gained adolescence.
“My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings have changed, I would have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love… I love… I love you. And I never wish to be parted from you from this day on…You showed me how insufficient were all my pretensions to please a woman worthy of being pleased.”
So after reading all this and more which I leave for you to unravel yourself, none of these books did I find a love like ours… it’s close, similar but great difference. All I wanted is to learn from these legendary classic novels and apply them. You made me want to be like a fictional hero for you and I did because I saw how you love those books and the characters. I wondered if all men can be like those heroes, then our girls will be happy. But it’s not possible because this is real life, it can’t be easy to be like those characters from Romeo to Knightley, Captain Wentworth to Colonel Brandon, Heathcliff then Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy, and many others. None of them I was able to be for you and I’m sorry. I’ve also learned that not everything that is well ends well and that is it for us. I’m not in a hurry to put you in my past but if it ever were then I will think only of the past as its remembrance will give me pleasure. Emily Bront毛 said, He is more myself than I am, whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.” Unfortunately, I don’t believe in this and I’m not as in love with it as everyone is. Okay, so this is so long now. I didn’t realize how far I came with this letter filled with my rants. I don’t think this is even a letter after writing these things. It doesn’t look like it though it does look just like some of the efforts I put in to be your Mr. Perfect as you can see, not the result did it yield. In the end, you’re still there and I’m here. When I began this letter on Valentine’s day, this wasn’t the end I envisioned but happily ever after for us. I really wanted us to be happy and I couldn’t wait to transfer them all onto this paper to complete it but then an unexpected dramatic tragedy occurred. I really didn’t wish this for us but I can’t keep getting in your way after seeing everything so clear. It’s obvious as the time passed, as hurtful as that is, I believe you might have really fallen for that man. I have not wanted syllables where action has spoken so plainly. I won’t wait around and get wounded further but my heart is, and always will be yours. Also, don’t come after me because by the time you find this letter and read till this stage, then I will be already gone, far away. Be happy. I love you always and forever. I’m also again, truly sorry for all the fucked up shits I ever did to you and all the pains. This is a goodbye.
your once Novie.
My tears have run out onto the paper after reading it all for the second time. It emptied on the paper and my dry throat made it impossible for me to even swallow anything. My eye was hurting, everything was and I’m so weak, numb.
Novan you misunderstand me. I know I gave you those ideas but what you’ve chosen for me, for us is not what I wanted. How could you not see that I did all this for your own good? Why did you close your eyes to the good side of this situation? I admit I must’ve gone far with this because I didn’t expect this. You actually tried Novan. I can’t believe someone who hated reading could read so many books and I’m sorry that I didn’t notice. Not because I was busy with Edward but I’m sorry because if I had to pay more attention to you, I would’ve known. We have come this far so please don’t go.
“The distance is nothing when one has a motive,” I mumbled. He should’ve known this.
I got myself from the floor and folded the letter neatly. I put it in our drawer and got out.
I hear Sharon calling me but I just heard it faintly as the voice probing me to go for Novan was so loud. When I got into my car my phone rang and I picked it, desperately and foolishly expecting it to be Novan.
“Is this Mariana?”
It took me a minute to find my voice back and even that, it came as a squeak.
“This is Mr. Anderson’s doctor. He asked me to call his son but it’s not reaching so he asked me to call you. If it’s possible, then can you come to the address I will send to you now with his son? He urgently wants to see you two.”
I have tried the past months to see him after learning the hospital Jude was receiving treatments and they didn’t allow me. Why today of all days when I’m eager to convince Novan to come back.
Where should I go?
Novan or his dad.
I will go to Novan. All his father has ever done is to cause me pain every time.
But, it’s urgent.
What if?
I drove out of the house and never in my life have I driven so fast and recklessly and even in the night. I got to the airport and just then, an American flight took off. I ran to the check-in desk and after pleading for them to check if in case, Novan booked a flight and he had already taken off. They did for me and I wished I didn’t know. Novan left, sadly. I lost myself completely and burst into more fresh tears. I can’t believe this is happening. How did it happen? When did it get to this level? I don’t understand.
I stood at a distance and watched her run off into the airport and I was not sure if I could leave after all if she finds out that my flight is next. I knew she didn’t when she got to her car and dropped down beside it and began to cry.
Why would she cry? This is for the best. She wanted this, I didn’t so I should be the one doing the crying and I’ve done a lot of it that my tear tissues have worn out. Nervisa is fast asleep on my shoulder if not, she would be asking questions upon questions and I won’t be able to answer any.
Why did you make me do this Mariana? I’m even hurting more than you. I’m always hurt, you always hurt me.
I’m not gone yet but I’m already miserable. I seriously know how I’m going to live my life from this day on. It’s not going to be pretty and I don’t think I will survive it either.
When she finally left, I checked in and sat with Nervisa, waiting for the plane to take off, just like how my heart has been taken off.
I brought my phone out from my pocket to switch it off when audio came in coupled with the notifications of the countless calls I missed. I checked for the one who sent the audio and it was my father’s number. I deleted it instantly but immediately another came from Mariana.
I decided to listen to hers because I need it. I need to hear her voice desperately.
I tapped on the play and instead of her voice, I heard a groggy sickly one which sounds like my father’s but really unrecognizable but I will know. He’s my dad.
“I know you’ll delete this once you hear my voice but please don’t, listen to me first then you can. Please, son, I’m begging.” The audio paused for a while and my thumb caught in the air. I actually wanted to stop it and then delete it but this man knows what I’m capable of so he called me out before I could even think of doing it. He began to talk again but it was of difficulty. I inserted my earpiece so as not to disturb those around and mostly because I don’t want any listening to my shit.
” I won’t talk much because the time on my side is very little. I wanted to see you for the last time but even though I know you wouldn’t come, I hoped and sent for you. It didn’t work and you’re not here. This is the only way and as I said, I don’t have time but I can ask how you’re doing and your sister? I love you two so much but I failed to show it when I had the chance. How’s your marriage? I got a glimpse of you and her at the altar and you two didn’t look all okay. I hope everything is fine now? It should because Mariana told me that to fight is common between you two and that you always find your way to each other. Her words were what kept me going, gave me the courage to do whatever I did. I know you both are mad at me for what I did. Please tell Mariana that I’m sorry and I’m sorry too, son. I’m really sorry but I didn’t have much time. I’m dying and all I wanted to do is to secure your future and Mariana was the only redemption I saw for you. But as usual, my past mistakes were in the way. I realized Paula hated you. Well, she should especially after what I did to her. Nobody will want their daughter to have something to do with a son of a father like I and Paula definitely have every right to try and separate you two. If she did, then it’s because she loves her daughter and nothing else. Knowing that my past which has come to haunt me will rub on you I did what I have to do. I didn’t want you to get affected at all for what I did and I know how much she meant to you. Taking the properties was the only way and I wanted to make it real and so the request that you two get married. I did my bit and got you married but it won’t live for long if you don’t build your home. Fight for it son. The success of it is in your hands. Don’t throw a good opportunity to be happy for the entirety of your life away. I don’t know but I think Mariana is the best girl for you. Please don’t fuck up you and mess it up. I really don’t want an end like this for you. I suffered and the guilt is real. I just want nothing but the best, please let go of your anger as well. You know the reason I did all this now but I didn’t say so you can forgive me…but I really regret everything bad I did. It’s time and..yeah… I would like to apologize to the entire Dominguez family that from the bottom of my heart, I’m deeply sorry. Please tell them this for me Everett Alec Anderson, my only son. You don’t have to worry about the properties either. I couldn’t make a year so I transferred everything back. I didn’t need them, I never did… I got you, covered son. You don’t have to worry about anything. And, don’t bother coming to see me… it’s too the time you get here, I will be gone…I love… Get the oxygen…he can’t breathe. Sir, it’s okay you won’t talk again..”
By this time, I was up on my feet before the audio ended.
“Anyone up should be seated and all seat belts tightened. The plane will take off in a minute.”
I looked over at my sleeping sister and picked her up onto my shoulders and the bag I kept a few necessary things inside… I don’t know what I’m doing but I know I can no longer leave the country.
“Where are you going? The plane is about to take off.”
I ignored them.
“You’ll get hurt! Please get back to your seat!”
I didn’t mind.
“Keep quiet all of you and you Mr pilot. Stop it already, I’m getting down!” I yelled. I didn’t bother about the whisperings going on around me.
The airstairs sprang out and I walked down hastily even though the plane was still hanging and yet to settle on the ground. I jumped down and Nervisa stirred.
I forgot I came in my car and ran into the dark street. Whatever Mariana preached to me rushed back into my mind and replayed. I hang Nervisa on my back and ran faster.
* “He’s your dad Donovan. Nothing will change that fact. Nothing. What if something happens and he’s no longer there?” |
“Let him not be there? His presence and absence don’t make a difference and I don’t care at all. That man can die and I won’t share a fuckin tear.!” I had said and she yelled back at me.
“Bad or not. You’ll feel his absence the day he leaves and you’d regret and wish you had been a lot nicer or given him a chance. That guilt will live with you forever Novan!”
“So what?!”
She turned and faced me with her sweet kind face. “I don’t like that you have no relationship with your parents. I thought I could help and maybe you could talk to him for once. Just once Donovan. It could go a long way.”
“I don’t want to.” I was headstrong.
“Not for me?” She tried to convince me with puppy eyes and a smooth tone.
“You’ll stop being nosy. You had the guts to end a call on me then you fuckin came out here to hook up with my dad. Soon you two will gang up on me.”
“I’m sorry for ending the call abruptly by the way but I didn’t mean any harm.”
Fuck! I feel shivers run down my spine as those memories hit my brain and each word played out.
Is this just my luck or there’s actually some fault in my stars?
A swirl of cool breeze blew then a wind that was furious around us. There’s a sudden lightening and then a loud thunderclap that jerked my sister awake. Fuck! Light drops of rain pattered on us.
“What is this Nova? Since when did you start to bath me? And what am I doing at your back? And shit.. we’re outside and oh fuck! You’re running. What is going on?!” She whined.
For now, I will pretend to not have heard her curse. She’s my sister after all.
{Loving him with all his flaws.}
I finally left the airport but in tears. I couldn’t control them as they pours. I have no damn clue how I’m going back to live my life. It’s either I follow him because I can’t live without him. My chest heaves violently as I keep hitting my forehead to the wheel minutes after minutes. The storm began and I know, I won’t make it if I don’t collect myself. I decided to go to the hospital to see Jude. Almost there, I received a message.
With Novan in mind, I pathetically reached for my phone and pressed on the Audio recording before realizing where it came from.
The voice filled my car and after listening for almost five minutes, I was in front of the hospital. I paused and rushed inside, wiping the evidence of my breakdown a while ago.
Once I entered, I saw doctors and nurses running about and towards a particular ward.
I asked a nurse who informed me that it was a rich man who had a transplant in Melbourne but arrived a week ago and his condition got critical.
I knew instantly that it was Jude. I rushed behind the busy doctors inside the private ward and stood from their way as I watched them try to save a dying man. Dying man? I hope he survives it. He will.
“Where’s he?” His voice is a whisper but I heard.
My eyes snapped to him and I literally run to his bed.
“Where.. where’s my son?” He struggled to say.
“He will be here.” I try to smile despite my big fat lie. Novan is never coming.
“Than.. thank you.” He tried to smile but it didn’t appear. He seems to be in a lot of pain.
“Miss Dominguez, he can’t talk. Please get out for us or give us a space to do our work.”
I nodded. I didn’t fight it.
I moved back but I didn’t leave, I didn’t leave him. I stood by the wall and watched. From the audio, he expressed deeply how he regretted anything bad he ever did.
“ to..him.. audio.” Jude struggled to say and I wiped my tears before going out. How do I tell him? I can’t but I still sent the audio.
I stayed by the window and watched these lifesavers apart from God try to bring this man back to his best. Oxygen is put on him and an Injection was given to him. That didn’t stop his violent movements on the bed. As he struggles to breathe, he is also battling for his dear life.
How did I not know that this man was sick all along?
After spending half an hour watching him struggle through the pain, he calmed. I’m terrified when the doctors shook their heads and the heart monitor began to flatten.
“No!” I cried and tried to go back in but I was stopped. My hope is restored when a tall figure in black clothes clung to his manly curves like a second skin as he takes long strides toward me. His hair has turned jet black and it was sleeping on top of his head. When he was close, I saw how the water drained from his hair and fell in droplets onto his nose and I watched it slide down.
My heart leaps at each step he takes closer. I thought he left or am I dreaming?
I got up to meet him but then, he didn’t see me or he did and pretended. Whichever way but Novan walked past me without looking at me then barged into his father’s ward.
There’s a storm and I’m drenched which should make me not feel a burn but it didn’t. I’m burning in pain and the possibilities of my father dying keep shaking me and making unwarranted goosebumps to spread on my skin.
I knew instantly that she was around even without seeing her when I entered. I didn’t have to look for her or direct my eyes to where I’m thinking she is.
I entered my father’s ward and the sight of him sent a blow in my gut and I reeled backward. Just a glance and you’ll know he’s sick but that’s not it. It’s how pale he is and how the doctors weren’t doing anything at all to help him. Then my eyes moved to the monitor and that was when my jaw dropped. I rushed to his side, to the side of the man who caused me so much pain over the years, and even in this state on this sick bed watching him so helpless shouldn’t break my heart but it does. Mariana was right. No matter what he did and who he is, he’s still my father. I feel for him.
“We were keeping him for you.” A doctor said to me but I didn’t understand.
I looked at the man who was fighting to get his eyes open just to look at me and I couldn’t believe that I’m doing this, that I’m so close to him.
A movement in his arms forced my eyes and I saw that he’s struggling to hold me. I did the only thing I thought I could do at least.
My hands trembled as they moved to stay on his. He intertwined our fingers and forced a weak smile at me.
“Thanks.” He muttered and then that was it. He went stiff and his face goes paler than I’ve ever seen on someone.
My lips trembled on their own. “Father.”
The heart monitor flattens with a beeping sound. My whole being numbs and for a minute, I forgot to breathe and my heart stopped as I exhaled the loudest and deepest ever.
How will I handle this one too? My fate is bad. I don’t wanna leave for another moment anymore. I give up finally and on everything.
I bit on my lip too hard as I brushed the eyes he was struggling to open in order to see me shut. He barely opened them.
I got my hands from him and got up with yet another deep sigh. I don’t know what to do or where to even go from here. I’m glad I left my sister with Sharon.
“As we said, we were keeping him for you. We’re all glad he saw you at least.”
The doctor said but did I hear? Maybe I did because I finally understood their words from earlier.
I padded out of the hospital building and again into the storm. I had no direction and my steps are unusually so slow. I walked anyway like a lost lamb.
I want to feel the emotions but none is there to be felt.
{Loving him with all his flaws.}
White sheets move over to cover the body of the man whom I only heard of and later came to know of through his son. Not a great impact did he make in my life but I cherish the few times we spent together. He truly was sorry for his sins and I just wished his son saw that earlier. In his own way, Jude atoned for his wrongdoings and tried to make amends in his own way. We didn’t know and I was furious. Novan’s hatred grew a thousand times for him. I don’t blame him for any of this. If anything, Novan has suffered and has been the victim of his parent’s failed relationship and the bad things Jude did. Not being the stupid me again but I don’t regret trying to offer my help to this man even if he did betray me truly. I also don’t blame him for whatever bad thing he did to my family and whoever else. His frustrations led him to do what he did and if he understood life better to some extent, he wouldn’t have done whatever he did. I think understanding the world and how things move is key to leaving life better. What he wanted, if he had got it, this all would not have occurred. But then, we can’t always get what we want and wish for hence, learning to deal with that is also important. However, the most important thing is that he realized his mistakes and repented. All he needed was for those he offended to forgive him so he can be at peace. Who would’ve thought that he was suffering this much? Months ago, I found out that he needed a kidney transplant. It wasn’t difficult getting one and I’m so damn sure he received the best treatment but it happened. The kidney couldn’t function as it’s supposed to after being transplanted. He has been staying in the hospital since in Melbourne and a week ago he arrived but only to end up in the hospital and now this. He threw in the towel painfully. I wiped the tears sliding down from my cheeks as I walked in to see the father of the man I love mostly in this world for the last time before he’s set to be carried away. A small smile tugs at the corners of his lips when I raise the sheets. I’m sure it’s because of Novan’s appearance which he didn’t expect. Even me, I didn’t expect him to come. I placed a kiss to his cold cheeks and a tear dropped onto his face which I wiped. “Thanks for trusting me for your son,” I whispered and covered him back.
Going out, a woman bumped crazily into me almost knocking me to the floor.
“Jude!” She wailed and rushed to the bed. I turned my head to see Simona, Aria’s mom.
What relationship does she share with him?
“Simona?” I walked to her.
“Your boyfriend killed him. He killed him. That crazy boy! Who beat his own father?” She cried.
Novan beat him yes. But he didn’t cause his kidney failure. Novan didn’t kill him and I hope he himself knows that..wait. where is he? I was by the window when I saw him with his dad then he got up but I was so lost to know where he turned to.
“Novan didn’t kill him,” I said before leaving the hospital in search of Novan. I hope she heard.
I drove along the streets towards his house slowly. The storm is coming heavier than before so I slowed down. I called Sharon’s phone when I got to his gate and she told me that she’s sitting in the living room since he brought Nervisa and has not yet returned. I drove through the neighborhood, looking for him.
Where could he be?
Just when I was giving up, I saw a figure kneeling far in front of my car in the middle of the road as the rain pours on him in torrents. My lights brighten on him and I recognize the person. I parked the car and stepped out. I ran to him, getting drained as well.
“Novan.” I squat in front of him. His gaze was facing ahead and even though I’m squatting before him he wasn’t looking at me when he should. His expression is neutral but he still looks broken.
“Donovan.” I hesitated before placing my hand on his shoulders and they went ridgid under my touch.
“Leave.” He mumbled.
“No. I can’t.” I shook my head and the tears threatened to come again.
“Please.” He still wasn’t looking at me.
“I’m sorry.” I got closer.
“Please go.” He stated flatly.
“I will take you home.” I proposed.
“I don’t want…Just go! Leave me.”
“I’m sorry Novan.” I squeezed his shoulders slightly and he pushed my hands away.
“This isn’t about us.” He whispered. “I don’t want you around.”
The broken pieces of my heart shattered further. If he doesn’t want me around, then who else again? It’s been me all along.
He got up and I imitated his action. He began to walk away and I followed. The angry rain was unsparing that my clothes were suddenly so heavy on me.
“Please do not follow me.” He said the words slowly as water from his hair blanketed his face and his lips quiver.
“Then what should I do?” My own lips trembled. It’s so cold out here. I can feel it right in my bones.
“You know it.” He said and brushed the water off his face.
“I don’t.”
“Okay but I’m begging you. If you ever loved me at all, please let me be. I want to be by myself and so I don’t need you.”
And so I just watch him go without any other word to him. Even if I want to talk, what will I say? Novan is already mad at me and now this. He lost his father and this is a big deal.
I stood by the road for how long I don’t know until his back disappeared completely. There is more lighting and thunder so I got back into my car, not caring about how wet I’m making the seat.
I did not drive to my parent’s but his, not looking forward to any sleep. However, I’m with a little streak of hope waiting that he would stumble inside and let his aches out of his chest anyhow he will do it. I don’t like how quiet he is.
The raging storm threw a really cold wet air into the room and first, I was reluctant to get up to close the windows then snuggled up into Pablo. I knew I had to get up and close it when the temperature in the room turned unpleasant and Pablo’s warmth wasn’t able to win over the coldness. Pablo really didn’t mind as he was fast asleep.
I got up to close the windows with a long yawn then peeps outside. I closed the windows to leave when I thought I saw a dark shadow coming from afar. I opened the windows back and strained my eyes through the dark. It’s a familiar figure that I’ve grown to know so well at every time that passes but then I wasn’t sure. When the figure got closer, I saw it. I saw him. He walked really slow past the front of our mansion. He didn’t stop. He kept walking. He looked distraught even from afar and I wondered what could be wrong with such a person like him. Checking the time, it was almost 12 am. I picked a car key then wore any dress my hands found then left the room.
I got into my car and drove outside. After a minute, I stopped beside him. He didn’t seem to notice as he just kept walking.
“Donovan,” I called and picked an umbrella then got out.
He didn’t stop so I walked ahead and stood in front of him.
He stopped walking and his eyes were on me but they were lost and he wasn’t actually looking.
He doesn’t look okay.
“Come with me?” I asked.
He didn’t say anything but he turned. I thought he didn’t hear and he’s leaving but I’m relieved when he opened the car and sat in. If he wasn’t in this state, I probably would’ve scolded him for getting into my car with his wet clothes and he would’ve thrown a snarky remark at me. That’s the Donovan I know but for the first time, his mouth didn’t run.
I got behind the wheel and drove home. Even if I don’t like him, I owe it to myself to help him and it’s not because he’s my daughter’s boyfriend. I could do this for everyone.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
He shakes his head then opened the door and got down. I got down as well and walked ahead so he would follow. We took the stairs and I stopped in front of my daughter’s room.
“You should get some rest. I will get you fresh clothes.” I opened the door to Mariana’s room.
“” He chanted silently with eyes closed.
“What?” I’m puzzled. It was this same room I tried to sack him from some time ago and he wouldn’t go.
“Please..not here.”
“You don’t want her room?”
He didn’t answer.
I get it that they might be fighting but this looked beyond that. I looked for another room upstairs for him and he readily entered.
What did my daughter do to him? I don’t get it. If there’s someone I always think will hurt the other in their relationship, it’s him. What happened?
“I will get you something to eat..”
“No!” He objected and I nod. He sat by the foot of the bed then hauled his knees to his chest and buried his head into them.
I went back to bed but I couldn’t close my eyes anymore. I decided to call my daughter. She didn’t pick. Maybe she’s asleep but how can she sleep when her boyfriend is not at home? What is going on?
I kept checking on him the entire night and he didn’t move from his spot. When it was almost morning, I finally closed my eyes.
When I woke up, the storm has calmed and Pablo wasn’t by my side. I checked the time and it was 1 pm. I jumped out of the bed at once and walked to the room Donovan was. I’m surprised to see him in the same spot. He didn’t move an inch and so he still wore his wet clothes. He’ll get sick if he doesn’t change.
I brought him food but he barely noticed my presence. I took a bath and went down to eat but then, I couldn’t.
I called Mariana and this time she picked.
“He’s not talking to me and he hasn’t done much since last night. What happened?” My mother asked. We were standing by the door of the room Novan was in.
My mum told me how she brought him to our house when she called and I rushed home quickly.
“He lost his dad last night.” I rubbed my arm, my eyes still never leaving him.
“Oh, God!” My mom gasped. “You mean Jude is dead?”
I nodded.
“What.. happened to him?” My mom couldn’t hold herself. I saw her glossy eyes blink severally.
“Failed kidney.” I was close to tears as well. “You should be happy. He’s dead and we’re finally free don’t you think?” I tried to smile.
“Don’t talk rubbish. I never wanted him dead…well…I did at once but I wish I never got that thought.”
“Yeah, I know. Just joking.”
“Bad joke.” She dubs the corners of her eyes. “What did you do to him? Tell me all of it.”
“Don’t pretend. Something else happened. He won’t stay in your room last night.”
We walked to the balcony and I began to tell her everything but leaving out his drug addiction “I only wanted to help him, mom.” I said after my narration.
She didn’t say anything close to a minute before opening her mouth. ” He’s an addict?”
“Not anymore. We overcame.”
“I don’t care. I can’t believe he’s worse to that extent.” She got up from her seat and a stroke of anger flashed across her demeanor.
“Please mom, no judging.” I wonder how she would’ve reacted if I said he did drugs. I only said he smokes and she’s angry.
“Of course. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me any of this before.”
“This is why I didn’t tell you.” I point to her and got up as well.
“Did you say he has stopped?”
“Good. I can’t believe Edward. I respected him enough not to do that.”
“You encouraged him. Was he not your favorite and ideal partner for me?”
“Yes, he still is. He just made a mistake. Same mistake Jude did. Actually, Edward is a nice guy and you won’t deny that. I stopped giving him hope when I saw the extent of your love for Donovan. I mean you got on a plane for him despite your phobia and that landed you almost in a coma. I knew from then that I have to quit and let you be with whoever you want.”
“I guess love made him do what was not supposed of him.”
“I think so too but he went far. I hope he regretted it.”
“I haven’t spoken to him since then. He called me several times today but I couldn’t pick.”
“Yeah, let him stir for some time but you made a mistake by neglecting Donovan the way you did. You left him in the time he needed you more to get over his addiction. You just weren’t there but with someone else. That’s torture and for once I don’t think he deserves what you did. I seriously can’t imagine what he went through.” Mom is sympathetic and towards Novan. Unbelievable.
“You don’t understand. Novan is really the jealous type. His own is on another level trust me, mother. So when he doesn’t say anything when he sees me with him, I thought he has now accepted that Ed is in fact just a friend to me.”
“Don’t make excuses to justify yourself. You were wrong. Leaving him wasn’t that right but you have to spend time with someone he sees as a threat. That is worse.” My mom gave me a disappointed face.
Only if you knew that it was not only cannabis.
I still know that giving him a little distance was what he needed to quit using drugs. I was with him but he went ahead and did it again. However, I shouldn’t have maintained any kind of friendship with Edward. I regret that a whole lot.
“I’m sorry he has to break up with you. You two are going through a lot and now this. I can just hope things get back together.” Mom walked to me and hugged me. God knows I needed this.
“I hope so too.” We pulled apart and she smiled at me. I’m grateful that mom is coming around bit by bit and accepting my relationship with Novan.
Novan didn’t move from the spot the whole day and when he did, it’s only to go to the bathroom. He doesn’t speak, eats, or drinks anything. Most of all, he doesn’t want to see me no matter how I tried.
I got back to his house in the evening to spend some time with Nervisa before leaving when she slept. I told Sharon about Jude’s death and even called Tricia and told her the bad news. She cried bitterly over the phone for a while before saying she’ll be coming right away until the funeral. Nervisa still doesn’t know. I fear the little girl’s reaction.
The next day, Novan finally got up and I was in the living room when I saw him come down from the stairs. He’s disheveled and sad than I’ve ever seen. Not saying a word to anyone, he walked out. Eyes of my family turned from him to me and I got up, pick my keys to leave.
Mom surprises me yet again when she said she’ll come with me.
By the time our car could reach the streets, Novan stopped a car and got in.
I followed the car and when it stopped in front of his house, he got down and raced inside. Again, I’m following him before he closes the door.
“Don’t you dare fucking come near me. Didn’t you hear when I said I need to be the fuck alone?!”
My movements stopped and he banged the door close.
“You can’t keep doing this Novan! I know you need me. Please allow me to come to you. Please.” My knuckles brushed against the door to create a little noise that will get his attention.
“No. You’re wrong! Just go away. Can’t you see how much you’re suffocating me?” His voice is muffled by the door.
I remember using that word for him but I didn’t mean it.
I swallowed my tears and turned to go. My mom, Sharon, and Nervisa were looking at me.
“Okay, can someone tell me what is actually going on? Throw in some light because I’m so damn tired of being in the dark.”
“Nothing is going on..” I tried to say.
“No no. I’m not a kid. You won’t lie to me. Not this time.” She walked backward, pointing her index at me. ” If you think I’m blind then I’m not. I can see everything.” She added and descended down the stairs.
I looked at Sharon and she nodded at me. My mom did the same then they followed me down.
I walked to Nervisa who has her back facing us and her hands across her chest.
I turned her to me then kneeled to be in level with her height.
Most of my life has been spent being around children so I know quite a lot about handling them but not with an issue like this.
How do I break this to her that she won’t freak or worse, collapse?
“You wanna say something?” She lift her brows at me.
I nod.
“I’m listening.”
I nod again and swallowed. “You see Nervisa, your father..he… I mean your father went somewhere…”
“Okay. That’s no problem. He always goes somewhere.” She chimed in.
“Yes but this time, he won’t be coming back for some time.”
“Really?” She pouted.
“So where’s that place doll face?”
“He..uhm..he went to..”
“The heavens, he went up? To God? Is that what you wanna tell me? If that is it then cut the crap and tell me straight forward that my papa is DEAD.!”
I gasped in shock.
“I know how this happens. Adults get to tell kids this crappy shit that’s why from the beginning I told you that I’m not a kid. My papa is dead isn’t he?”
I couldn’t find my voice so I nod.
“Okay.” She said, her expression unreadable.
“Yes. It’s fine.” She walked away from me and sat while I exchanged surprised looks with my mom and Sharon.
Did she just say ‘okay’?
How’s it possible that she’s not affected and already wailing and rolling on the floor?
{Loving him with all his flaws.}
“Riana! Riana!” I called loudly and my hands moved to touch her on the bed. It was empty.
“Where are you wifey?”
“Just came out of the bathroom. Get up already.”
“No, what’s the occasion? Today is Sunday and I want to sleep more. Come lay beside me.” I half opened my eyes and she had a towel around her gorgeous flawless body.
“I need to get ready and so do you.”
“No, I won’t.”
“We’ll get late. Please get up.” She dropped the towel and my eyes flew wide open. I sat on the bed and admired my beautiful wife. Her back is so round and firm. They fit into my palm and I like how soft they feel. She has the smallest and sexiest waist ever and that chain she has around it drives me mad always. Her legs are long and smooth. In fact, her skin is so smooth, spotless, and silky. That tattoo she got is showing when you look at her from the back slightly. Her dark soft hair is almost reaching her below her waist. I couldn’t take it. I got up and wrapped my hands around her waist, making sure my hard-on brushed her back. She moaned and turned to me.
“We can do this when we get back you know that right?”
“We won’t go anywhere, please. I want you now.” I attacked her neck, marking her for that bastard to see that Mariana is and will always remain mine. Just mine.
“Novan please.”
“Please what? I can go inside you right now. Is that what you’re pleading for?” I whispered against her neck and admired the goosebumps that formed there. I held her backside and fondled it while licking her neck. She moaned and pulled at my hair.
“Please.” She pulled back and her aroused face met mine.
“When we get back. I promise.”
I pouted and walked into the washroom. When I came back she was already dressed and just touching up on her makeup.
“By the way, where are we going wifey?”
“I see you’re really enjoying calling me wifey this afternoon Novan.”
“I just want to remind myself of the blessing I have as a wife,” I replied to her honestly. She’s truly a blessing for me.
“Alright hubby. Just hurry and get ready. Everybody is waiting for us, especially you.”
“It’s your father’s funeral Novan.”
“What?!” The clothes I picked to wear drop from my grip.
Funeral? What? My father is dead? No!
“NOoooo!” I sprang up, bathed in my own sweat. I looked around the room and my eyes hit the clock. It’s midday and in my dream, Mariana said ‘afternoon’. Is today in fact the funeral?
I can’t believe that I even slept enough to have a dream. A dream where Mariana and I were together happily. And I was busy hatching ways to fuck her. It can only be a dream.
In reality, Mariana doesn’t understand me. She keeps hurting me even after I complained that it’s hurting. I don’t want to go through that pain anymore that’s why I’m letting go of her finally. She knew my fear and yet keep pushing it to my face like no fucking man’s business. It’s a pain. A pain she failed to feel that it was what she was inflicting.
But this isn’t about us. It’s about me sending my dad to his early grave with my two hands.
Come to think of it, this man hasn’t been so great to me since I was a kid. He was barely around and if he comes, all he does is to pick a fight with my mom. They quarrel the entire time to a point he uses his hands on her. He brought women home and did a lot of nasty things. He was nice to me then but the day he found out that mom was pregnant again, he changed towards me. He was cold and never talked or spent time with me again. When I get close to him, he pushes me away. He was an angry man, always. After the birth of Nervisa, he got worse. He no longer stayed for long until he disappeared and came back seven years later to beg me for forgiveness. A forgiveness I never gave until he died. Not even on his will. I killed him. I’m horrible and do not deserve to live. I know I can never forgive him but I should never have killed him. I let my anger get the best of me and murdered him in cold blood. Why did I not just let him be? Why did I have to beat him? What is worse is that I misunderstood his action. He actually didn’t want Mariana’s wealth. He wanted me to be happy and I beat him for having my best interest at heart. Who am I? I do not even love myself to want good for myself.
I turned my head to the door. It’s Paula.
“What?” I wanted to shout but my voice came out low and my throat hurt so much.
“Open up.”
“No! Go away!”
“Stop being stubborn now and open the damn door, you moron.”
“I said go away,y Paula.” She said ‘moron’ purposely to derive a reaction from me but she’s not getting any.
“No. I’m coming.” I heard the door turn.
I thought I closed it. I got up from the floor to the door and it opened. Paula waved the keys in front of me and entered.
“Have some water.” She stretched a glass of water to me.
“Thanks,” I said at least and took it because my dry throat actually needs it.
“You can leave now.” I gave her the glass.
“You need to get ready. Everyone is waiting.”
“Huh?” I looked at her for the first time. She’s in black.
“I don’t want to go.”
“Really? Think about it. It’s the least you can do for him.”
“But I killed him. He won’t be happy to see me at his funeral.” I never wanted to see him or be near him so why will I go to his funeral?
“Get rid of the thought that you killed him. Your father died out of kidney failure. Not you.”
“I caused it. I got his condition worse.”
“Fine but do not ever blame yourself for his death. He didn’t do it.”
“I don’t want to talk to you.”
“You don’t want to talk to anyone.”
“And so go.”
“Yes, only for you to get dressed. I will be waiting for you.”
Maybe I can see him for the last time. Just maybe.
Life doesn’t go on a smooth path. I know that I’ve had a feel and I’ve gone on that path. Losing a parent can be as devastating as anything in this world even if that parent didn’t do you any good while alive because the thought of him or her alive though useless to you,is satisfying than when he or she is gone. I understand this 21-year man very well. If I didn’t, I know now. People are not always the way they behave. There is always something that pushes it out. For someone who had such a rough childhood, there’s no other better way for him to behave. He’s just the way he is because of certain unfortunate things.
I never imagined that I will be seated at the back of a church witnessing the funeral of the one man who has done nothing but wrongful things to me and my family. But that is it. I found one of the most precious person to me entangled with them, the Anderson. And so I have to come. Also because, Mariana played Jude’s audio for me so basically, I have nothing against him as he has regretted enough and pleaded for forgiveness.
He’s quite the rich and famous guy as someone who holds an important position in the automobile world. The church is filled up to the brim before his son and I even arrived with his workers and business partners. Even my entire family is here today including Florencia. So not someone you’ll see who has no connection with him seated in the church but then there’s someone who though holds an important part of the deceased seating at the far side of the church room alone and looking lost. He hasn’t said anything to me until he got here. It was with a lot of difficulties that he even entered. His guilt is weighing him down mercilessly which is not supposed to be. He didn’t kill him. But it is true, that broken boy barely knew that man.

Donovan’s gothic friends also came and I’m surprised to see Aria and her mom after so long. Simona was crying so much which I failed to comprehend and I noticed my dad’s eye on her all this time. It’s strange and yet a beautiful sight to see my son seated close to Nervisa and his little arms wrapped around her in consolation. I’m glad my son is doing that and I wish Donovan will allow Mariana to give him a shoulder. Sadly, the poor guy doesn’t want my daughter even near him. I recognized most of the people that came and I’m shocked to know that Tricia, the same woman who planned our daughter’s birthday twelve years ago was in fact Jude’s ex-wife. I don’t forget her son who was with her during the party either. It’s just that I didn’t know that he’d grow to fall in love with my daughter. I got these details on Mariana’s nineteenth birthday where Tricia who’s now a rich Russian politician’s wife requested to plan the birthday. Donovan’s talent also came in handy once again as he was in the kitchen the whole time making sure the dishes were done to perfection. He is really good at that. I looked at the podium and decided to listen to the sermon being preached for once since I arrived.
No matter how important the person is, the ceremony still has to come to the end so, after the short sermon, we head to the cemetery where Jude’s body is lowered to the ground, bringing an end to his existence. It was then his daughter who has been nothing but strong even when she was told that her father was no more. She gave out a loud cry and I felt goosebumps spray over my flesh. I knew she has been pretending but it has reached the peak and she can’t take it anymore.
Mariana and Jude’s ex-wife went for Nervisa while her helpless brother whom my eyes never left since the ceremony began to move out of the crowd slowly. When he haa finally made it from the people as even everyone’s attention was on the crying girl, he took to his heels. He was fast, very fast for someone who hasn’t eaten anything for the past three days. I left as well with my car after him till he got home where he got into the room he left a while ago and I hear crush after crush of everything I believe is in that room being condemned to nothing. When the breaking of items seems to never end, I couldn’t stay outside the room anymore. I went to the kitchen and got a jug of water with me before making my attempt to get in. I got in on time when he was about to throw the wardrobe down. It was dark in here so I looked through the partial darkness for the switch to turn on the light but nothing happened when I clicked. My gaze went up and my eyes fought through the darkness to see. It dropped to the floor and I saw the bulb, broken on the floor among some broken items. The room is trashed completely, only the wardrobe is left standing. I made use of my phone light instead and placed it in the middle of the room. It lighted the room up but not enough to brighten it up. However, it’s better than before. I will choose it thousand times over darkness.
“Stop it! That is enough!” I scold him.
He let go of the wardrobe and I gasped when I saw him. What a bloody mess he is even in black.
“Novan,” I called him as my daughter does and he looks at me. My heart dropped and went out to the broken boy standing in front of me soaked in both blood and sweat.
“What are you doing? It’s enough.” I try to go close to him but I’m a little frightened as to what his reaction will be. Not that he’ll hurt me physically. I don’t think he’s capable of that though that’s what I’ve always assumed of him and scared for my daughter. There is this dangerous violent part of him that I dread.
“It’s not enough.” He whispered and I poured him a glass full of water. He’ll need more of this.
“Yes, it is,” I whispered back at him.
He gulped it down in no time and gave me the glass for more.
“No! Don’t tell me bullshit! I’ve been cheated in this life. I never had enough of what I deserve. Everything gets cut short for me every single damn time. When I think I’m getting around, getting used to something, it gets snatched away. Where have I ever gone wrong?!” He throws the glass away and it shattered to pieces. He then snatched the jug from me.
“Don’t destroy that!” I warned.
He eyed me before raising it into his lips and emptied the content. My eyes widened when I saw how blood is oozing out of his busted knuckles profusely. It’s ghastly and I couldn’t look.
“I will.” He finally said and threw it against the wall.
“You’ve done enough. Your wound needs cleaning before it gets infected. You’re also losing a lot of blood…”
“That’s not what matters.”
“Then what?” My eyes searched for something I could use to tie his hand to stop the blood.
“You. Come on. Get out of here.” He snapped his fingers.
“I won’t.” I’m not listening to him. I walked to the bed which had most of Mariana’s books thrown on it and other things including the bedside lamp. I tore a piece of the bedsheet and walked back to him carefully. The least mistake and I will be pricked with a glass or something and I’m not even on heels.
“See, don’t frustrate me further. Your daughter did enough. Don’t make it worse and.. that’s the way.” He points to the door.
“You’ve let your frustrations on the items in this room enough. Why don’t you cry them out? Your father is dead and buried Donovan.” I want to trigger his emotions so that he can let loose his grief.
“You’re happy?”
His question surprises me.
“What? What are you asking?”
“You should be happy. We should be happy that he’s gone right?”
“No, but we’re okay.”
“That’s it. I am not happy and I am not okay too. He was never around, I never had him and the few times he was around me, he hurt me. He didn’t give me not a single happiness but even that, I don’t have a right to get mad at him. When I did, he died and left me finally and forever. And my poor sister. Did you see her? She’ll never forgive me for keeping her father away from her then later killing him. Do you see how she cried? It was so pathetic. I couldn’t take it and I don’t know how I will comfort her for which words will I say I even say to her? She doesn’t deserve it. Let me tell you. I’ve always wanted him dead for what he did to me, to us. Yes. I hate him so very much and I just want him to die. I would’ve been very happy on this day if somehow, I didn’t kill him. I was supposed to be happy by his demise but I’m not. I feel so terrible. The pain is none like I’ve ever felt before. It’s the one that numbs you and you feel lost from the world. I feel it right through my core. I feel it. I really hate him but the pain after his death seems to be greater and I don’t get the satisfaction, Paula.” His voice caught at the end and a lone terrible sorrow-filled pathetic sob left his lips.
Let it out, Donovan. Don’t hold it in.
I walked closer to tie his bleeding hands and he took me by surprise when his head fell on my shoulders, his hands held tight to my side and he breaks into silent screams. It’s then I saw it. I saw his walls wearing off, breaking off, I saw that strong shell around protecting his emotions come off completely leaving him fragile and delicate, greatly vulnerable. Not knowing what to do and his weight was already on me, I slided together with him to the floor where my head was against the large wardrobe and his head went to my lap. it’s there he cried, full-on with his body shaking. I had no idea what to say to him so I just pat his back gently and rub it up and down and in circles also. I don’t know for how long we stayed in the position but my heart broke for him every second that passed by and for the first time since I met him, I thought I’ve seen his broken side these three days but today is worse. I saw a really broken boy behind the walls and I think he needs a break…
{Loving him with all his flaws.}
“You’ve let out your frustrations on the things in this room enough. Why don’t you cry them out? Your father is dead and buried Donovan.” Paula said to me. Whatever aim she seeks to achieve from that, she succeeded because it triggered something.
“You’re happy?” I asked her and she looked surprised. I’m sure she didn’t understand what I meant.
“What? What are you asking?”
“You should be happy. We should be happy that he’s gone right?”
“No, but we’re okay.” She answered and I saw her eyes hovered around.
“That’s it. I am not happy and I am not okay too. He was never around, I never had him and the few times he was around me, he hurt me. He didn’t give me not a single happiness but even that, I don’t have a right to get mad at him. When I did, he died and left me finally and forever. And my poor sister. Did you see her? She’ll never forgive me for keeping her father away from her then later killing him. Do you see how she cried? It was so pathetic. I couldn’t take it and I don’t know how I will comfort her for which words will I say I even say to her? She doesn’t deserve it. Let me tell you. I’ve always wanted him dead for what he did to me, to us. Yes. I hate him so very much and I just want him to die. I would’ve been very happy on this day if somehow, I didn’t kill him. I was supposed to be happy by his demise but I’m not. I feel so terrible. The pain is none like I’ve ever felt before. It’s the one that numbs you and you feel lost from the world. I feel it right through my core. I feel it. I really hate him but the pain after his death seems to be greater and I don’t get the satisfaction, Paula…” My voice chokes and my eyes let loose all the fluid I’ve been holding. A pathetic whimper left my mouth and I fought to keep them away but I just couldn’t.
When Paula stepped closer, I did the only thing I actually wanted and needed at the moment. I couldn’t stop myself from leaning on her for some sort of comfort. When she didn’t push me away like I’ve imagined and feared, I broke into a deeper hysterics. I couldn’t control my breakdown in front of this woman and so I pushed everything aside. This way, I let out the anguish weighing as well as draining me and cried pathetically like a stupid bitch. I grief for losing the man who’s actually my father but I barely knew, I grief for losing the only man that could’ve been the only Father figure for me. I grief for putting my hand on him, grief for being close to a drug addict, and having parents issues. Grief all that I went through just as a boy, grief for losing Mariana even though it was my decision. I can’t believe I won’t be with her anymore. I cried for taking Jude away from my sister. I should never have kept her away from him. Nervisa still loves our parents. It is only me that hated them. I was so wrong. How do I make amends? Will my dear sister ever forgive me?
I felt her hands at my back and it was soothing but I needed more so I nuzzled further into her lap. I just hope she doesn’t tease me with this when I’m sober. I am already embarrassed about doing this in front of her and if I had my way, I wouldn’t but I need this. I know I do but it was not enough. I need her. Mariana where are you? It is only her that can make me better. She knows how to.
We remained like this for almost two hours until he fell asleep. Slowly, I lifted him from me, careful not to wake him then I got up. He stirs and huddles up in a ball on the bare floor. His hands went under his head and right now, he looks like a baby.
When he didn’t wake, I picked my phone and got out to call for Mariana and that is if she’s back. Luckily, they arrived while I’m getting down from the stairs.
“Mom, where’s he? Did you see him? He left all of a sudden.” Mariana rushed to me.
” Calm down, he’s Inside. I think he needs you though he’s asleep now.”
“Okay.” She ran past me.
“Be careful when you get in.” I don’t want her to get hurt in any way.
“I will be fine.”
I hope.
I walked to the two women and the little girl who is hanging around her mother’s body tightly.
“How’s my son?” Tricia asked.
“He’s okay. He just slept.”
Thanks, Paula, for everything.”
“It’s nothing, I will get going.” I checked my time. “Take care of them.”
“I will.”
“Bye Nervisa. You should visit me more.” I strokes her red cheeks slightly and she closed her eyes while nodding.
“Bye Sharon.” I wave her goodbye.
“Bye, Madam.”
I sighed when I entered and saw him lying on the floor inside the deep mess he has created in our room. I went for a lamp and lighted it then I got my shoes off and then began to pack unwanted things from the bed including my books. Luckily, the comforter is ruined but not the sheets so I got it off.
I was careful not to wake him until I felt something pierce my feet from beneath and sliced through it.
“Ouch.” My eyes burned instantly. I guess this is why mom said I should be careful but I didn’t understand. I thought he meant Novan.
I covered my mouth and limped to sit on the bed but then, I got pricked again. An agonizing shrill fell from my lips and I quickly covered my mouth.
I bit down on my lips to stop myself from screaming then finally sat. I put one leg over the other and looked under my feet. I sharply pointed glass was deep inside my flesh. I looked at Novan and he was stirring. I need to pull this out before he wakes. I can’t add more worries to the one he’s already dealing with. Tears cascades down my cheeks as I pulled them out one after the other.
I picked a cloth and wiped the blood then used it to sweep the floor to get rid of any glass on our path.
I then walked to the washroom and picked the first aid kit. I placed it down and kneeled before him then with hesitation, my hands shook as I got them closer to his front to work on his belt.
I touched the cold metal then pulled the belt out of the lock. It made a noise and he stirred again. This time, he turned on his back, his face towards the ceiling. That’s even simple but it’s just a matter of time and his eyes will open. I got a clear view of his face but it’s not like the one I spend hours looking at in the middle of the night. This face is twisted in a sorrowful frown and it hurts to know that I caused half of it.
I unzipped him then began to pull the jeans from him.
” Fuck! Don’t. Stop.” He groaned but his eyes were closed.
I didn’t stop. I struggled to get the jeans off of him while my eyes remained on his face. I still lose my breath each time I see his face bare and I sort of miss his rings.
“No. Don’t do it.” His hand hit my hand away and then, his eyes opened. They widened and he blinked as if not believing that I was the one. And maybe when he did and was finally convinced, he sprint to a sitting position.
“What are you doing here?”
“This is our room.” I scrambled on my knees, facing him.
“Since when, this is only my room.”
“No. You made me move in. Since then, it became our room even before we got married.”
“No. It doesn’t look like it. It was your room before you slept outside it and left me here all alone? And that marriage. It’s over.”
“I did all that for a reason Novan.”
“Fuck that reason. You flirt with that asshole right in my face and you don’t feel bad about it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No. Get out of here Mariana and don’t ever return.”
“No, don’t say that.” I cried. “I want to be here for you Novan. Please don’t push me away.”
“You don’t get to do whatever that pleases you all the time Mariana. One minute you’re cold and mean, the next you’re soft and nice. Another you’re leaving and making me go crazy and the pain is insanely painful then the next you’re back here with me, begging me not to push you away when all you’ve ever done is push me and against the fucking wall every damn time. I won’t forget how you treated me, Mariana. Never.”
“That is why I’m sorry Novan but believe me it was for your good, our own good. Yes, I might not have done it the right way but my intentions were genuine. You know I can never love anyone else other than you. I love you Novan. Please don’t do this.” I begged him. My tears are uncontrollable. I know he’s going through a lot but he can’t just push me away.
“You never wanted me, Mariana. I did everything but none moved you.” His voice is low.
“God! Is that what you say?” I moved closer to him and he backed away from me. Not enough because his back came in contact with the wardrobe so he couldn’t move any further which is my advantage.
“Don’t come near me Mariana.”
I didn’t listen. I got even closer and held his sad face between my hands. It feels so good to be this close to him again and even holding him.
I rubbed over his young stubbles which he has been too distraught to look after and I force to get him to look into my eyes. “I’ve always wanted you Novan. Trust me. Even when I didn’t know what I wanted and we kept fighting. Before I even knew you. It was you. You are the chapter that I didn’t know the words to but always knew existed and when I finally found it and began to read, I knew I was home. I love you. Can’t you see?”
“How will I see when you keep blinding me? You went out with him.”
“Even that, didn’t you see my love for you? Didn’t you feel it? Novan I never cheated on you with Ed. I’m for you and always. Please believe me.”
“I can’t do this with you anymore Mariana. It’s a lost cause.” He looked into my eyes finally but that fire in his eyes that always burns for me and speaks to my soul was out. It’s just a dull flake that is left.
“Why can’t you?”
He dropped his gaze and whisked his head to the side so I won’t look.
“I’m scared.” He finally let out and bit my lips harder to stifle the sobs trying to fly out in volumes.
“No.” I dropped my head to his. “Why Novan?”
For the first time, I realized I took his love for me a little for granted. This boy actually loves me with anything and I’m just realizing today just as powerful my love is for him too. I love him more than I know and I know it’s not only him that will be ruined when we fall apart. I will also.
“I was willing to go through any pain for you Mariana. Any pain and I still can but not this. The one where I see you all over someone else. It should’ve seen was out of control and I was going through it for long..I can do no more. I love you but I feel you fell for him. You don’t love me anymore Mariana. Please don’t deceive yourself and you know what, I don’t blame you. Just look at me? Nobody will love me? I have parents issues and I’m an addict. I even killed my dad recently and I have a horrible character. I’m no good for anyone so then why would you want to be with me? Someone like me? I have come to accept that Edward is good for you. Please go to him because right now, my life has no direction. I seriously don’t know what to do with myself or my life anymore. My flaws have grown out of proportion. It will be mean to…”
“You’ve said enough. Please stop it. I can’t hear more.” I got onto his lap and I didn’t let anything stop me from straddling him and throwing my body on him for a hug. I yearn to get closer to him. To feel his heart against mine then hear it beat together. I want to be that close. Why can he say all that just now?
“Mariana please…”
“Please don’t call me Mariana again, I beg of you. Am I not your babe? Your Riana? Your doll face? Your Dolly? Call me anything but please not Mariana. That is for them not you. Please.” I don’t care how pathetically desperate I sound. This man is my life.
And I need him not in the ways to survive but in the ways that make life worth living for. I need him. I need him to keep my sanity intact.
“Hold me Novan.” I plea.
And he thinks he’s not worth loving because of those things I don’t even consider relevant.
“Please Novan. Just hold me.” I begged once more but he wouldn’t. His hands were still by his side. I can’t believe this but it’s real. I’m begging him to just hold me and I don’t feel bad about it at all.
“I love every bit of you Novan. Not the part you try to show the world but the one you hide especially from them. The ragged and tattered part. I love all the places that made you up. I love and understand you. More than anyone ever will. Don’t run away from me Novan.”
“That is it then. Because you’re the only one, that is why you mistreat me…”
“No!” I pulled from him to look at him where our face was just an inch apart.
” Yes, you fucking did. You knew that I couldn’t do without you yet you went ahead and did what you did. It was this same room and on this same floor where I kneeled and cried to you. I begged Mari…Riana. Not only that day. Since we started dating, all I’ve ever begged is for you not to leave me. I told you that I can’t stand that guy and that it kills me but the fuck did you listen?”
A little hope sprinkled on me when he corrected himself from calling me Mariana.
“I’m sorry but you don’t smoke when I’m upset with you. You try to be good for me and so I did that. I knew when I pretend to be mad at you, you’ll stop doing drugs and you’ll only focus on getting clean for me because you don’t want me to leave you. I did all that because of this Novan. And you see what happened? You’ve overcome that.”
“There could’ve been a better way you could have done that. Not with Edward.”
“I know and that is why I’m sorry. Sorry for breaking up with you and planning to leave you when..”
“Wait. You plan to leave me?” Shock registered both in his voice and face.
I shake my head to lie. “No.”
“Fuck! I know you. You did. Don’t fucking lie.”
“You know what? Fuck off! Get the fuck off me!” He grabbed me by my waist and began to transport me down from him. I clung onto his neck.
“I’m sorry.”
“No! I can’t believe you’re so wicked. Upon everything, you fuckin planned to ruin me. I can’t believe you.” He threw me away from him but gentle enough not to hurt me.
He got up and kicked at anything he sees or meets with his foot as he pulled his jeans up and zipped it back. “The actual fuck! How could you? You don’t love me, Mariana.”
I forgot that he’d flip when learns that I had planned to leave him when his dad took my properties.
“Novan I’m sorry.”
“No, you’re not! Tell me why you wanted to leave me. Tell me everything you’ve been hiding.”
“What will be the use? You already divorced me and you said you don’t want me anymore.”
“So you won’t tell me?! I swear to… ” He’s yelling.
“I won’t.” I’m still on the floor. Simply because my feet were still hurting. I doubt if I can stand on them.
“Fine. Good. It’s good.” His hand traveled into his hair but they came back quickly when he flinched.
“If you don’t get the hell outta here I swear I’mma drag your ass out believe me!”
I got up but stumbled back almost falling. Well, I fell. He didn’t see me on time as when he got to me, I was already on the floor.
“Are you alright.” He’s kneeling by my side in a second.
I felt great pain both at my backside and feet but what was worse was the one in my chest. A pained whimper left my mouth and I couldn’t hold it. I cried for all the things that were going on right now. I cried that I’m losing Novan or I already have and I’m unable to do anything about it.
“No don’t cry.” He brought my head to his chest to comfort me and I’m just selfish to succumb even after knowing that Novan needs this more than I do.
“Novan.” I cried both in and out. I’m burning with so much grief.
“Riana.” He called back in the same agonizing way. The pain is so evident.
“I’m sorry.”
“Let’s not talk about that. Tell me where you’re hurt..”
“My heart, Novan. It’s hurt so much. Please don’t leave me.” I begged.
“I’m avoiding the pain too. You keep hurting me. I’m sorry. I can’t really do this again. I want to be miserable, Mariana. I miss being it. Miserable and loneliness were my truest friends. I want to go back to them. It’s better. My father also managed to leave so now I’m convinced that I’m destined to be lonely. I will accept that my one shot at happiness is gone. I won’t move on but you’ll be happy. I want the best for you Mariana and you can’t get it from me. This is just me. There is nothing so nice you’ll find…
“Shut up, please. Why do you keep doing this? Why are you throwing hurtful words at me? It’s too much. You’re the best for me Novan. I can not get any better happiness from anywhere. Only you can. Only you. I know you’re grieving that is why you’re doing this. Your father’s death got on you severely than I thought. I’m sorry. But don’t leave me just because you’re going through some shit at the moment.”
“I wanted this before this shit!”
“No!” I pushed him away more violently than I planned. How do I beg him again?
“Allow me to make things right again Novan. Trust me, I will be good.” I added and crawled back to him. I got onto his lap once again and then held his face as my thumb wipes the dampness on his cheeks.
“I love you,” I said into his face and he closed his eyes for a moment as if trying to make it sink.
“We are a mess.” He mumbled and gulped but his eyes were deep into mine this time, reading every once of me. Our chest is heaving at the same time, our breathing loud from the yelling a moment ago.
“I don’t care,” I said truthfully. My love for him is greater than his mess or the mess we are.
“So many flaws. We can’t be good for one another.”
“Perhaps it is our imperfections that make us so perfect for one another.”
He leaned his head to mine and smiled sadly. “Jane Austen.”
My smile mirrored his. “The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel must be intolerably stupid.” I quote.
“I was stupid.” He said and I chose not to defend him because somehow, I agree with Jane.
The thought of Novan going to buy a book to read just for me still baffles me than anything he has ever done.
“Thank you.” We’re breathing the same air now. I like how we are now more than we were before. I now believe the concept that couples who read always live together. I know this is so soon considering the rough path we were threading but I can’t help imagining Novan and sitting on a sofa with a novel together. My head on his lap and my legs on top of the couch.
“For what?”
“Making my dream come true.”
“And what is your dream?”
“If I want a partner, I want the one who even if not obsessed with my choice of novels will at least love reading.”
“You should’ve gone for a reading partner instead.”
“I did.”
“You did?”
“Yeah, an amazing ardent lover and a reading partner all in one. It’s you.”
“I didn’t have a choice. It was an ultimatum, a time between life and death and I wanted you desperately so I did anything that could bring you to me. It didn’t yield any fruit by the way. You went to have dinner and allowed him to pick my call.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You also planned to leave me. What can be worse?”
“I didn’t want your dad to come back for my family and my mom can’t have any more children because of him. Not only that, my mom gets scared and hurt when she sees me with you. It reminds her a lot about the things Jude did and my mom has suffered enough. I don’t want to cause more for her which I did when she told me to leave you and tried to separate us. I just wanted to make her happy so I thought after a year and I’ve acquired everything back, we’ll get divorced and I will go far away. I didn’t want to be a reason for their pain but then, my love for you changed my mind. I couldn’t do without you so I gave up and forgave you. I love you this much.”
“You always want to be heroic.” His hand stroked my cheek and I closed my eyes to enjoy it.
“Are you still scared?”
His head moved against mine, showing that he nodded.
I opened my eyes and detached our foreheads.
“Please don’t be. I’m here now.”
“I killed my father. I didn’t listen to you.”
“No, you didn’t.” I cupped his face too. “Don’t feel guilty for something you never did, Novan.”
I put my hand over his full lips to silence him.
“You don’t even have to feel sorry about anything. That man did more harm than good to you and you reacted because of what he did. If he didn’t have kidney failure, he’ll still be alive even after you hit him and he deserves it for all the wrong just that, it’s bad to hit your father but hey, anyone else can beat him for all the shit he did. His death is unfortunate but I think it was his luck. They weren’t by his side anymore that is why it happened so please don’t blame yourself for what happened to him.”
He suck in his bottom lip and stared at me silently, his hand on my face as he strokes softly.
“I hated him and I actually wanted him to die, Riana.”
“You were angry. You don’t actually want him dead and neither did you hate him.” His reaction towards his father’s death is definitely not one of someone who hated the person.
He sighed and didn’t look at me anymore.”You’re being nice and after then what?”
“Look baby, I’m really sorry. Let me make it up to you.” He jerked beneath me and my gaze dropped to his front. It’s good to know that calling him ‘baby’ hasn’t lost its effect even after all this time.
“What..will you do?” His hand dropped from my face and I followed it to see where it land then I saw it. I saw MAR first in bold colorful letters.
I took his wrist and he tried to pull it away. “Let me see Novan.”
I saw that he’s hurt but apart from that, he has MARIANA written around his right wrist boldly and stylishly. My heart swelled. How more are you going to show me the extent to which you love me? I know already.
“When did you get it?” It looks fresh.
“Recently. Before… Uhm… I saw you..with him.”
I nodded. “Is this all or you got more.”
“Check for yourself.” He raised his arms and by the end of his shirt, I pulled it over his head.
I gasped at what I saw immediately.
“Novan.” My tears came without warning and I dropped my head against his chest.
He wrapped his arms around me for the first time and I nuzzled into his chest. It’s been so damn long and right now I feel like I’m finally back home. In his arms is my home and I miss it. This whole thing makes me cry even more.
{Loving him with all his flaws.}
Purely smut
“I can’t believe you got a tattoo for me. Not one and not two. You got my face printed on you Novan.”
“One, because I love you. Two, I always want you with me wherever and whenever. I want you always. Is that bad?”
“No, but, it’s too much.”
“That? Look, it’s not your body and you can’t take this away from me too.”
Something pierce at my soul. I’m going nowhere.
“You got it all wrong. I mean I don’t deserve it.”
“Yeah. I realized only after getting it.”
I tried to not let the pang that hit my chest stay but couldn’t. I know I don’t deserve it but I didn’t expect him to agree with me.
“Will, you ever forgive me and forget that this ever happened?” I look him in the eyes.
“I don’t know.” He released and my breath hitched.
“You’re still mad at me?”
“Yeah. Not you alone. I’m pissed at everything.”
“You’re sad too?”
“Yeah.” He admits.
All I want to do now is to make all his sorrows disappear. I want to make him forget his pain even if it’s just for now.
“I’m sorry.”
“I know.” He said and looked back at me. There is a frown creasing his forehead and I so badly want to make it go away.
“Yes, I mean for your father’s death. He’s an asshole for dying.”
“He is?”
I nodded. Silence reigns among us and I sit here, on his lap and he’s bare-chested. My eyes traced and admired the drawing of my face on his other arm which was ink-free but now has my face. I was smiling pouting and my eyes were a bit wide. My hair fell at the side of my face. It’s such a nice drawing and I think I even look better there. He has also written something on his collarbone which I failed to read since the room was dimly lit and then another which is right under my drawn face.
“How did you get that pic?. I don’t remember making that pose.” I finally asked.
“It wasn’t a pic. That expression on your face is not something you make daily but it’s my favorite and I had it stuck in my memory ever since the first time I saw it. I just had to describe it and it was drawn. It’s beautiful huh? I know.”
“I love you.” I spilled again and he just looked at me without saying anything. Yes, he doesn’t have to because Novan and I know that he loves me.
“I never wanted to leave you Riana.” His voice is calm and low.
“Then don’t.” I plead.
He gives me a small smile and tucks my hair behind my ear with a deep sigh.
“Show me where you were hurt. You fell. Let me check.” His eyes wandered around me.
“I’m fine.”
“Don’t tell me that bullshit. Let me see.” He chided.
It’s nice to see him care this much about me and I’m over the moon that he got a tattoo of me on him. How nice can that be? Thinking about it is almost drawing me to tears. His love for me is so huge that it draws me to tears.
I showed him my foot where the glass pricked.
“I’m sorry.” He picked the first aid box. My eyes remained on him as he cleaned the wound under my feet then bandaged it neatly. “Does it hurt?”
“Not anymore,” I told him…
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. You didn’t do anything.”
“That’s a lie. I did it.” He won’t have it.
I know he caused it but I can’t make him feel bad by admitting it.
“Your turn,” I said instead and took his hand. Dry blood was almost all over him and it mixed with sweat. Even that, a bloody sweaty Novan is still my favorite cologne.
I cleaned his visible wounds then after, I took his hand and traced my name around his wrist. My head dipped and I kissed it, lingering there for some time before taking my head up to kiss my face on his upper arm.
“Thank you,” I say to him and he stared blankly at me. My eyes traveled on their own to his lips and I gulped. When was the last time? I can’t remember.
Still, in my kneeling position, I brushed his hair from his face to get a better view of my godly man. There is quiet around us and only our slow breathing can be heard.
My head moved slowly towards his and with my hand resting in front of his zip, my nose brushed against his.
“What are you doing?”
“I want to..” my lips brushed against his and I begged and anticipated for him to open up and take me in.
“We can’t do this.” He protests.
“We can do everything. Please.” I hate that he’s holding back from me.
“Don’t you miss me?” I cut him off.
“Fuck yeah. Of course but..”
“but nothing.” I kissed him but am still stranded at the entrance, waiting for him to open up.
“You want this?”
“Yes.” The instant the words vacated my lips, he kissed me back fiercely and new waves of energy surged into me.
I need him. I want him. And if this is some of the ways to comfort him, I will.
His kiss is as well full of needs and wants purely. As he kisses me, the constant sucking and biting of my lips gently and sensationally registered his need to be comforted. I got on to his lap yet again and deepened the kiss. A sexy moan came in a groan from his lips as his hands explored my body.
“I have really missed you.” He purred and kissed me harder, holding me tightly. The butterflies danced and chanted wildly. I missed this. We both do.
“I missed you too baby. I’m sorry.” I whispered.
“Hmm.” He hummed into my mouth.
My hands went to my back and I zipped my dress down.
“A second,” I whispered into the kiss and tried to pull away and take the dress off but he didn’t allow me. Instead, his hands got to my shoulders and he slided the dress down to my waist. My whole body lighted up and burned when his hand grazed my skin. It looks like my hungry hormones multiplied and they seem to be angry sort of. I needed more of him and I’m not afraid or going to hesitate to take all of him and even more if there is.
I still needed to take my remaining clothes off so I pulled away and he frowned with a pout am sure he didn’t know he made.
Not wanting to waste any more of our time, my clothes hit the floor hurriedly one after the other. I wanted to go slow and watch more of how his eyes go wide in surprise, admiration, and intense desire as he watches me but I’m in need and haste to go back to him and feel his touch all over me.
” Oh Come here.” He’s impatient and his voice is demanding. I like it.
I kneeled beside him and worked his jeans trousers from his legs.
“I will take this too off,” I warned before taking his boxer out. I know he doesn’t mind.
With him still at his sitting position and his back still against the wardrobe, I climbed back on him.
“Wait. I want to taste you first.”
I nodded and he pushed me back so that my head fell on his closed legs close to his feet. By my leg, he pulled my lower region to his face.
I almost exploded when his lips touched me and his cold tongue slips into me, twirling and pumping in and out. I’m thrown into an euphoria and in a world full of bliss and satisfaction as Novan worked on me just how only he knows best. In a second, my eyes are rolling out and my legs shake as I pour with his name falling from my lips loudly.
“Novan..” God, I missed this. This feeling.
“Babe.” He licks my juices away but that won’t clean me because I feel myself getting wetter and wetter.
He held my hand and pulled me up. My eyes met his breathtaking face and his lips that glistened with my fluid.
“I hunger for and for so damn fucking long. Please.” He whispered hoarsely into my ear and my stomach tightened as goosebumps showered all over me.
“Yes please.” I moaned out. The hungry sexy dark look alone on his face is attempting to send me off on another orgasm trip. And his dilated eyes weaken my knees and send spirals of electricity shooting mercilessly inside me.
“I..wanna..fuck you NOW.” He sucked on my earlobe and drew me closer to his protruding front.
My hands moved to hold his magnificent mega piece. “I want it first, baby.”
I almost wept when he jerked in my hand. He’s so hard and bigger than I remember and I want to move down on him and take him all in and raw.
I didn’t wait for his answer. I moved closer and claimed his lips. I took his silence for an answer and lifted my body up then rubbed him against me.
I moaned and gasped. I know all of our problems are not resolved and he hasn’t forgiven me but I need this and he does too. There is no selfishness here. We all want the other badly.
“Fuck.” He pulled back and stared into my face and eyes with just hunger and lots and lots of love.
He shakes his head. “I haven’t needed it these months so I didn’t keep…”
I silenced him with my lips on his. I’m being so bold and confident tonight. I think it’s because I miss him and I’ve waited for this day for long.
“Don’t say more.” Annoying as this is, I’m satisfied that he didn’t cheat on me while we were in separation and from this physical passion-filled lethal connection.
My lips descended on his cock and I kissed his tip then sucked it gently but hard enough to draw a loud moan from his mouth.
“Fuck me!” He practically yelled.
Damn the consequences which I’m sure are never going to come.
I placed him at my opening and our eyes met and held. We don’t need a condom, do we? I don’t think so. Well, I went to the doctor and…I won’t talk about it yet else I’m going to ruin the moment for us. It’s sad though but I’m over it. Not fully but I’m trying to.
“I love you.” We said at the same time much to our surprise.
I smiled and with my hand at the base of his cock, I directed it into me and lowered myself steadily on him. We both moaned at the closest contact. This is what I miss. This is what I’ve been missing, this seeded connection that joins us into one. I miss it but now, I feel complete.
“Fuck.. God.” His hands fell on my waist and he squeezed it then they moved to my breast. They filled his palm and he fondled as he pinched my nipples.
I slid slowly on him till my core stretched, taking him fully. My eyes rolled and burned as I felt that slight discomfort. It looks like his cock gained weight or something. I didn’t imagine the second time of riding him to be accompanied by the little pain. I guess it’s because it’s been ten solid months.
“I’m sorry.” He apologized.
“No.” I finally sank onto him and gasped. It felt deeper. I’m sure his tip is kissing my womb and she’s begging for him to go. Poor her.
I brushed the ridiculous thought away and splayed my fingers on his chest. He said he liked the first ride. Well, I want to make this even a better ride. I want to make up for all the time we spent apart.
“Let’s go, babe.” He urged and I nod. A second passed and I’m moving, first in slow motion which was torturing for both of us. Then a minute passed and I’m going up and down at a much quicker pace. Two minutes and I’m wild and crazy, bouncing up and down, going round and round, whining and twisting on him. Our loud moans are evidence of this pleasurable moment. My favorite part is when he bucks off from under then holding me by the waist, he pounds into me unceasingly from beneath as he talks dirty to me. My hands threatened to leave him bald as they pulled at the root of his hair and his fingers created holes on my waist only he could fill.
“I’m the only one isn’t it?”
“You… are.” My voice pitches low and high.
“I fuck you good don’t I ?” His hands run up and down my spine quickly before settling back on my waist.
“Then why did you leave?”
“Because.. because..” I give up. I’m panting loudly and the beating of my heart can be heard in my head and this sensation has consumed me entirely.
“Talk to me.” He demanded and went another faster. Each thrust is deeper and harder with a message to my senses and my entire body. Not only that, he knows that spot inside me and he doesn’t hesitate to hit harder right there. I’m in a state where my brains can’t function again as they’ve taken leave and my body is in control but how can I function when my body is being manipulated sweetly by this darling boyfriend of mine? No way.
“Because I love you!.” I screamed. Even though my mind is not in my body anymore, I know whatever I did, I did because I love him.
“Well, I planned to punish you like this if you ever return.”
“Thank…you.” my voice is a moan and gratitude. I love this punishment Novan.
I feel him smirk then he spreads kisses on my face. Almost laying on him as he thrust from beneath, he kisses my neck then sucks me there hard. I moaned and I felt my walls tightening around him, the knot in my stomach builds up to the brim and my legs go weaker and weaker.
“I’m… come… Novan.”
“Shit! Fuck! Wait for me.”
I almost giggled at the way he said the words.
He got up with me from the floor then towards the bed. My legs are wrapped around him and he was still going in and out of me. This boy is wonderful.
“Is it safe madam-cleaner?.” He raised his brows at me then towards the bed.
I nodded and he dropped me on it and came on top. I spread my legs far apart to create enough room for him to settle.
“I miss you.” He whispered as he maintained our eye contact and went deeper but slowly. “Every day was torture.”
“Why did you do that to me? It’s bad and painful.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I’ve never gone that long without sex. Ten fucking months.”
“I’m sorry.”
“If I didn’t love you or because there’s no one to be compared to you, I would’ve gone and done it with another girl trust me.”
“You won’t get that satisfaction.” I boast. “And you can’t feel like this. No one can make you feel like this Novan.”
“I know. All the girls were so fucking annoying and smelly. I hate them all but you. I hunger for you and only you are the food for me. No one else.”
“Me too.” It’s not like I see anyone apart from Novan appealing. It’s just him for him.
“You starved me. How wicked.”
“Eat me anyhow you want now baby. I’m all yours to take.”
“Yes yes. I will. Fuck, yes.” He thrust into me powerfully and kissed me roughly to emphasize each of his words. orgasm came without warning, so fast and unending. Novan stilled then he began to withdraw but I held him.
“I don’t have a condom on. It’s risky.” He said quickly, breathing loudly.
“Yes so?” I will take any risk for him and..I trust him.
“You’ll get pregnant.”
“I won’t.” I pushed him back into me.
I shook my head and kissed him. He didn’t say anything again but thrust deep and I felt him empty his seed in me. It never seems to end just like my orgasm which surprised me when I came again with him. I held him tight as he placed his head on my chest, his breathing loud just like mine.
We stayed in this position for like.. hours, listening to each other’s heartbeat and matching our breathing.
He finally got off me then with the sheets, he wiped me clean. He fell beside me then pulled me to lay on his chest. I did and so eagerly. His hand ran on my spine and he kissed my forehead most of the time. A satisfied grin is on my face as I enjoyed it all to the fullest.
“Baby?” I didn’t like his response.
“Riana babe.”
I smiled.
“What?” He asked.
“Nothing. I just wanted to confirm that you’re here with me.”
“Okay. So tell me something will you?”
“Yeah. What?”
“Did you miss me?” His hands didn’t stop their movements at my back and I am aware they’re setting a new fire in me.
“I told you. I missed you so much Novan.”
“So what did you do?”
“What did you do when you miss me?”
“I cry, I don’t eat, and I look at your pictures every day. I also formed a bond with your scent filled teddy. He has been a good companion.”
“Is that all you did? Didn’t you touch yourself?”
I gasped. I can never do that. My face burned.
“ Novan?.”
“Like this.” He grabbed my boobs and with a sensual squeeze, his hand traveled in between my thighs and he slipped his long finger into me.
“Novan.” I closed my eyes with a moan
from my lips.
“This is what I meant. Didn’t you do it?”
“No. I can’t.”
“Okay. How about I teach you.”
“Teach me? What?”
“Yes, I will teach you how to touch yourself to pleasure you.”
“What? Why?”
“Because I will love to see you touch yourself.”
“And?” There is more.
“You can do it when I’m not around perhaps. You’ll call me and I will talk to you while you do it.”
“You won’t go anywhere.” I bury my face in the crook of his neck.
“I still want you to learn it please.”
“No.” I shook my head.
“Alright but not now.”
“Please Novan.” I’m feeling scared already and I don’t know why. Novan is here but I have a strange feeling that it won’t be for long.
“Okay when?”
“Alright but do something for me will you?”
He took my hand and sent it between my thighs, close to my core.
“Do it. Put your hand into you for me.”
“Novan,” I whined.
“Please. I love to watch.”
“You’re naughty.”
“I know.” He smiled.
With hesitation, I got my hand to my core.
“Lay on your back and spread your legs babe.”
I did as he said then he got on his fours to take in the sight and to say I’m embarrassed is an understatement.
“Don’t be shy. It’s just me.” He brushed my hair back and gave me an encouraging smile. God, this boy.
I refused to make him teach me how to do it but here I am doing it anyway and he’s teaching me.
“Now do it and look at me.”
I slipped my middle finger inside of me and he cursed with his eyes on me. What I’m doing? Most of all, what is he making me do?
“Make it two, your finger.”
I obeyed yet again with my eyes on his face.
“Look at my cock, not my face doll face.” He instructed with a wicked smile.
I nod like an obedient student and I gasped when my eyes met his cock. Long and big is what it is and he was palming himself, stroking and running his hands up and down. It was all it took to fuel me. I doubled my fingers and drove in and out of myself. Weird but great.
“Use your other hand to hold your boobs babe.” He said and I did.
“Don’t stop looking at me.”
I couldn’t comply. My eyes closed as I moved faster into myself and fondled with my breast. My earlier humiliation is gone and all that is left is an immense pleasure.
“Please look at me.” He begged.
I did and I’m thrown over the edge. My hands work faster and I’m screaming.
“You’re so naughty Mariana. You act innocent but you’re not. Look at you.”
His filthy talk didn’t make me feel bad but ginger me and swirled me. My emotions are everywhere.
“It’s sweet huh? Tell me. Isn’t it?”
“It is.”
“Good. You’re doing so well. I’m proud of you.” I watched him go between my legs and he added his tongue but it wasn’t long when he pulled back.
I leave my breast and put the hand into his hair, pulling it.
“Oh, God.” I moaned.
“Yeah, babe.”
“I’m coming, Novan.”
“Come for me, babe.” He held my legs tightly and I got my fingers out.
Immediately, he took them into his mouth and licked it away. That simple act was all it took.
“Fuck, look at me while you come.” He demanded in a moan.
I looked into his eyes and my orgasm hit me hard, it was earth-shattering. Novan’s jaw clenched and I threw my head back, too exhausted to keep looking at him.
He was still holding my legs and I felt a faint vibration. Minutes later, he was back to my side.
“You’re bad and naughty. I didn’t want to do it.”
“But you enjoyed it.” He teased.
I smiled and opened my eyes to look at him. “Have you? Let me help..”
“No thanks. I have already.”
“How?” I wanted to help him release.
“When you looked at me and I was holding your legs, I did.”
I nod and crawl into his arms. He accepted me immediately as if it was what he was waiting for.
I can’t believe the things this boy makes me do but I won’t think of them now, later.
“Take back the gifts Novan.” I wonder where they even are. I left them on the bedside table but it has been knocked over.
“Yes, but I don’t know where to find them.” He said innocently.
“Let’s look for it then.”
“No. Not now.”
“Why not now?” I wriggle from his arms.
“Alright then.”
We got down from the bed and began to search. It wasn’t difficult as it was a diamond. They glowed in the dark and it was easy to find.
“I destroyed the nook. I’m sorry. The note I wrote for you and the..umh..paper is somewhere around. You’ll find it tomorrow.”
I nodded. The rings are useless as he doesn’t put them on but the chain, I want him to keep it even if he won’t wear it.
I kept Nervisa’s chain and bracelet under the pillow and Novan gave me his wrist to put the chain on.
I smiled and put it around where he had my name tattooed. It looks so perfect and unique.
“Thanks.” I snuggled further into his warm hard body.
“You’re welcome.” He kissed my forehead and moved his hands between the valley of my breast slowly. I loved it, this type of small touches that he himself doesn’t take into account. I lifted my head and kissed his chin then his jaw. I frowned afterward.
“You need a shave, Novan.”
“You too.”
“Me? Where?”
He looked down at me to my sex region with a cocky mocking smirk.
My cheeks heat up in embarrassment and I hide my face in his chest. He’s right. I haven’t waxed since his father died.
“It was fucking pricking tickling me all fucking through.”
“Ahhh Novan.” I groaned in shame. He will never stop teasing me.
His chest lifts up and he rumbles into laughter. I turn away from him and buried my red face in the pillow instead.
{Loving him with all his flaws.}
His chest lifts up and he rumbles into laughter. I turned away from him and buried my red face in the pillow instead.
“Oh come on babe.” He came closer to me but his hands went to my waist where he played with my gold waist chain.
“I love this. Keep it on always.”
“If you’ll stop teasing me.”
“You know I can’t stop that but I will try..”
The funny thing is that I don’t want him to stop. I love it when he teases me.
He continued.
“but then, are you not just fond of pretending? You love it whenever I do that don’t you?.”
See. He knows me too well but I won’t give in.
“You got it wrong. I don’t like it.”
“I’m never wrong about you but then if you insist, then I will accept that you don’t like it.” He sure won’t have it.
I turned to him and wanted to put my leg over his but something happened.
“Eww.” I cringled my nose. My feet just landed in something sticky.
“Where did you throw your unborn children?”
He chuckled. “What?”
“Where did you…I mean..” I looked at his cock.
“I did it on the bed under your feet. I couldn’t control the urge so I spilled.”
“You could’ve done it on the floor. I mistakenly slipped my feet in it.” I groaned.
“You want my sperm in you and not on you?” He snort and rolled his eyes.
I tried to hide my smile but couldn’t. I miss seeing him roll his eyes at me. How many more of these things did I miss? I know they’re a lot.
“Why are you smiling?”
I shook my head and got back to him. I move my thumb across his firm looking full lips yet soft when on mine.
“Kiss me?” I asked and turned on my side. He also did the same and now we faced each other.
Without a word, he cupped my face with one hand and kissed me slowly. We both savored the taste and I planned to relive this moment and replay it over and over again. Our lips communicate and synchronize perfectly against the other slowly. There was no rush but passion and a strong desire that flows through it.
He pecked my lips then rested his forehead against mine. I opened my eyes to look at him but his eyes were still closed so I closed mine back.
“How’s Nervisa?”
“She’s fine. Your mom is around.”
“Did she cry a lot?”
“Not much.” I couldn’t comfort him and neither did her mom. The poor girl ran into Marion’s arms when she burst into tears at the cemetery. My dear brother was not even expecting it so they fell to the ground.
Just like the other time when they fought, Betsy and Morgan helped the two up and this time, my brother hugged her properly to comfort her and cried. She really did.
“You’re lying to me. I’m going to check on her myself.”
He got up and put only his boxer on.
“Be nice to her.” I meant his mom.
“Shut up.” He said and got out.
I got up as well but steadily and his shirt is what I picked from the floor. Blood, sweat, and faint cologne are what surrounded me when I put it on. It’s ten in the evening already.
I headed to the kitchen to look for something we can eat and luckily, I came across some fries and burgers. I heat them for some minutes in the microwave then pack them on a plate with water and walk out, limping slightly. My feet still hurt but mildly.
Novan is still not back when I returned so I placed the plate somewhere safe where he can’t trample on in case he’s coming in and got back in bed. After almost five minutes and he still wasn’t back, my eyes began to give way for sleep to come.
“Riana. Are you sleeping?”
The bed dipped and I felt Novan at my side. My eyes were so heavy that I couldn’t open them.
“Stay awake for me. It’s just ten.”
“What took you so long?” I wonder what he was discussing with his mom or Nervisa. “Was Nervisa not asleep when you got there?”
“Yes, but she woke up when I entered. It’s like she felt my presence or something and he began to cry. I had to stay for a while though Tricia was in the same bed with her.”
“Is she okay now?”
“Yeah. She slept.”
“Wake up.”
“No. I want to sleep too.”
“You know it was not my fault that I kept long.”
“Let’s sleep, Novan.”
“No. I will tickle you if you don’t wake up.” He threatened and I know he’ll do it so I sit up.
“Tell me what your fucked up friend Betsy and her celebrity boyfriend are doing in my house.”
“What? They’re here?”
“Oh, so you don’t know?”
I nodded.
“They must’ve missed their way or you gave them the wrong information so they thought today’s my father’s wake and came tonight.”
I chuckled.”What are you saying? They were at the funeral.”
“Then they missed their way else what will they be doing cuddle up on my couch in the living room?”
“They’re in the living room?”
“That’s what I said.”
“Did you kick them out?” I would feel bad if he did that.
“Fuck No and I didn’t plan it. I saw them and actually wanted to offer them a room but then here you’re saying that you didn’t tell them to come here so I’m going to kick them out.”
I thought he was joking until he got up and walked to the door.
“Leave it. I brought some food. Come let’s eat.” I’m sure he hasn’t eaten anything in a while.
“Food? I’m not sure if I can take it..”
Not when I am here. I got up and went for the plate.
I sat back on the bed and he also came to sit but water is what he picked.
“When I’m done eating I will sleep and leave you all to yourself. You won’t even come near me.”
“Is that a threat or a challenge?” He put his arm around my shoulders. I think it’s a threat. There is no way I’m going to throw a challenge like this. I will lose terribly.
“It’s a threat.”
As I eat, he stares at me. “If I didn’t know what you’re capable of, I won’t be eating.” He picked a fry.
“Glad you know.” I grinned.
“And it’s the reason why I am lea…livid.”
I looked at him and sighed. I’m getting missed feelings. The once that makes your heart hammer at once then stops then it comes again.
“Just eat.”
“I don’t have the appetite.”
“Then I will feed you.”
“No.” He picked the burger and cut through it. Just a little then dropped it.
“Are you sick?”
“No. It’s just that..the past few days came a bit hard on me and I don’t see food anymore.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I’m just gonna take half of this and only because I wanna cuddle with you.”
“Then it’s okay. You don’t have to force it if you don’t want to.”
“There is no need trying to pamper me. I still have to eat anyway.”
“Then keep quiet and eat.” I stuffed fries into his mouth once he opened his mouth and got up.
“Seriously? You’ll pay for this.”
I pulled my tongue out at him but sadly he didn’t see because his head was lowered to the plate.
“I will be in the bathroom.”
“Fuck off. I’m not coming.”
I rolled my eyes. Novan really can be funny sometimes. I won’t have to call him before he’s running here and I wasn’t even thinking about that. I give him a minute.
10,11,12,13,14,15…. I counted in my head then sat on the toilet to empty my bladder.
30,31,32,33,34,35….. I got up and walked to the washroom where I opened the shower tap. I closed my eyes and enjoyed how the cold water hit my skin.
I put soap on the washcloth and rubbed my skin after turning the shower off.
45,46,47,48,49,50…. I continue to rub my body.
55,56,57,58,59 and… I turned when I heard Novan walk in.
“It took you only a minute to come Novan.”
“That’s fucking long. I was counting every fucking second and after a minute, I knew I couldn’t stay another minute. That’s how it happens. When we’re together, time flies, and I don’t get enough but when we’re not, it feels like ages. Fuck, it sucks and I get extremely bored.” He said as he piss inside the toilet.
Same for me. I lose track of time when we’re together.
“Were you able to eat all of it?.”
“Not all but it’s okay. I wouldn’t have eaten if it were not for you.” He finished and walked to me. The lights in here are brighter so I was able to take in every contour and curve of his body. I saw his newest tattoo clearly and admired my face on his arm.
“You’re eye-raping me.” He got his boxer off and threw it right in my face.
“What is your shit?” I threw it back at him but he swerved and it landed on the wet floor.
I cringe at the sight and with my back facing him, I turned the shower back on.
From the corners of my eyes, he took the washcloth and added more soap. “I stink as fuck.” He remarked and scrunched his nose up.
I laughed and paved a way for him to get access to the shower.
“Sweats and blood but you’re not stinking,” I told him.
” You’re good at nice words, miss Dominguez.”
Mrs. Anderson would’ve been better. I didn’t sign the divorce.
When he finished washing himself, we stood under the shower together, kissing as the water rinsed us. My hands moved freely on every part of him and his hand did the same to mine.
Wrapped in a towel, I stood at the bathroom door and waited for Novan to take out a new bedspread and sheets.
God, our room is a mess all thanks to him.
“You can get me something to wear as well.”
“What’s the point when I will end up taking it off?” He closed the wardrobe and I walked carefully into the room. We changed the sheets together and got into bed.
“It feels good to sleep next to you again.” I put my head on his chest. He smell fresh just like me.
“Yeah. It’s been so long. I didn’t know how I survived it. Did I survive it? My life without you is not living. It’s hell.” I rumbled.
” I thought it was just me.” He kissed my forehead and my eyes landed on his arm again and on where he tattooed my face.
I looked at the obnoxious man beside me and back at the tattoo. I was pouting. If I should out my lips over it, it’s going to look like we’re kissing.
“Why did you get my face on your arm and not anywhere else?”
“So that I can look at it like you and kiss it anytime and also, for the world to know who my heart is locked up with.” He confirmed my thoughts but rendered me speechless with his last statement.
Maybe I’m just being foolish. Novan won’t say these things if he were to be leaving.
“Pervert,” I said when I found my voice.
“I don’t care. I bless the day I decided to leave my right hand free of tattoos. Now look, it has been made useful.”
“I also bless that day.”
“You do?”
“Yeah.” He turned on his side and placed his hand on my waist.
“I want to fuck you again.”
“Holy Christ! Get some filters Novan!” I turn away from him. He just says everything without filtering. Is that the best way to ask or talk me to have sex with him?
“Okay. I got some filters now. Babe please can we do it again?” His voice cracks a little and I know he’s trying not to laugh.
“Seriously Novan?” I bite my lips so as not to laugh.
” Okay. Fine. I want to sleep with you.”
“Let’s do it, please. I won’t take long.” He brushed his hard-on against my back.
“You’re crazy.”
“Fuck you!” He pounced on me and I giggled beneath him. He shrieked in laughter and began to tickle me and I try to fight him away but it was fruitless.
Minutes later and Novan is having his way with me slowly, no rush at all. At a relaxed pace, he goes in and out of me. His lips assault my neck seductively then every part of my body as he pounds into me passionately. This is not sex but lovemaking. He didn’t cease to tell me just how much he loves me as he plunges into me. I don’t know how long it took but it’s over an hour. I began to think that it’s intentional and that Novan wants to savor this moment in detail then relive it later.
“I love you Mariana.”
“I love you Novan.” With that, he dropped onto me and spilled into me once more. This time, I am scared. What if I actually get pregnant? Oh no. I will get pills tomorrow.
My heavy eyes gave in to sleep finally with Novan on top of me, crushing me with his weight but I love it. I hear soft snores and I follow suit with my hand lost in his soft hair.

I feel Novan’s hands moving around me and I swat it away.
“Let me sleep.”
“I want a quickie before I go.”
“You’re insane. You better go.”
“Okay, I’m going.”
“You’re going?” I didn’t expect him to give up so quickly. He knows I can’t deny him anything and especially not sex.
“Don’t go.”
“I’m already gone.”
“No!” I jumped up from the bed and looked around and beside me. It was empty. Novan is not in bed with me and I just had a dream. My heart hammered against my chest when I saw the sunlight streaming in then my eyes moved to the bedside and that is when I saw it. A fucking note. He fucking did it again.
Or is it that I’m just thinking out of proportion? After all that we did last night, he couldn’t have left me in the morning?
I picked the neatly folded paper and unfolded it to read what he wrote this time if indeed it’s him.
I hope it’s not what I’m thinking though…
{Loving him with all his flaws.}
Covering my naked body with the comforter is like getting ready to embrace what is to come which is true. I’m a bit hesitant to read this one after the first.
My eyes blink as they meet the same handwriting that covers half of the page. The length is nothing like the first.
I’m skipping all the pleasantries and introduction shit. Why? Because I’m in a hurry to leave the fuck away. Call me a coward for that because right now, that is what I am. You must’ve panicked when you saw this in the morning. I’m sorry. I swear I didn’t want to do this but I realized I have to. It’s difficult because right now as I write, my free hand is on you and my eyes keep switching on you as you sleep. I hug you from behind from time to time. I understand that you didn’t feel it. I exhausted you that much and you needed the rest. This phase of ours has been bad enough this time. I just need time to brace everything. I’m leaving for a while. I’m hoping this distancing do us good and if our love is strong like it seems, we’ll always be together. Fuck! It’s insane because I’m not a long-distance buddy. I don’t know but I need this, we need this and so far I think nothing has broken us so this too, we shall pass. I’m leaving but I will tell you where I will be. What you have to do is not to come after me. I trust that you won’t so I’m telling you. I will be in America and..uhm..this shit is getting overly long. We’ll extend this on the phone. I will call you when I get there. I didn’t take Nervisa along with me for now. I wanted to but Tricia wants to bring her to me when she’s leaving for Russia. Nervisa will be with me and no one else. Fuck Tricia. She wanted to take her with her overseas. I changed schools as well and I’ve already been given a job in America. Don’t worry. It’s also good. Do whatever you want with the divorce papers when you find them and… I’m missing you already when I haven’t even taken a step out. Last night was amazingly out of this world. You gave me the best ride ever. You learn quickly and you were so tight and..and..yeah… I can never get enough. It’s better to have this once in a while than numerous and not even feel anything. This isn’t goodbye. I don’t have to say it. You know just how much you mean to me. It’s the world and beyond. Don’t cry and stay away from Edward and any other asshole. My jealousy is still intact and you’re still Novan’s babe. I love…I don’t want to say this but I guess I have to. I can’t stop telling you. I still love you…”
Your Novan…
How can he say I shouldn’t cry? It’s what I’ve been doing since I started reading. I understand him but how can he do this? I haven’t even hugged him properly or have time to feel that he’s here with me. We just had last together and it’s not enough for me.
He has told me not to come and I know if I go against him, he’ll move to another place and he won’t even tell me again. That’s even worse. I’m okay knowing that America is where he’ll be.
I reread the letter over and over again that I lost count. I got up and looked for the other letter after putting a slipper on. I found it scrunched up and under the bed along with the divorce papers which is also scrunched into a ball size. I straightened the first letter but not the divorce papers. I tore them into shreds when I remember in his letter he said I could do anything with it. If this marriage didn’t mean anything to me before, now it does a lot. I want to remain married to him more than ever and I right now, I thank Jude. I think he did the right thing. The best thing he could ever do. I went through my books which Novan knocked off the shelves and I had packed on the floor. I took my freshly ordered novel which I’m even yet to read and put the letters inside. I wore a dress and with my hair tied up, I walked out of the room to find a helper to clean the mess Novan created. As I walk, I’m reminded of Novan of everything around me. I get the constant reminder that he left and that makes my heart skip multiple times then it goes for a while but comes back again when I remember that he’s gone. I keep checking my phone because I don’t ever want to miss his call.
I end up in the kitchen after hearing a noise and there is Sharon, Nervisa, Tricia, Betsy, and Morgan. They all hold a coffee cup except Nervisa who is being fed with frosted flakes.
“Hi, good morning everyone.”
They all turned to me. Hey, how was your night Mariana?” Sharon asked and I heard Betsy make some sounds under her throat. I don’t mind her because I know she’s crazy.
“Not bad. How was yours?”
“We couldn’t… I mean I couldn’t sleep.” Betsy gave me a fake smile that only I can know.
“But the question wasn’t meant for you was it?” I asked and poured myself a coffee.
“I don’t think anybody had a nice sleep know. Right everyone?”
I see heads nod.
Betsy smirked at me and I know the reason behind it and that reason made my face burn.
“How are you dear?” Tricia asked with a smile.
“I am good. Thanks.” I walk over to Nervisa.
“Can I take some?”
She nodded. Her blonde is tied in a bun and there are dark circles under her eyes, her lips so dry even though she’s eating and there’s not enough color on her face.
She doesn’t look her normal self and she’s not happy. I can understand.
“Feed me one spoon then.”
She took the spoon from Tricia then fetching a spoonful, I opened my mouth and took it. The image of Novan sitting beside me in our room and eating this same cereal spoon after spoon while I drank my tea flashed by and it feels just like yesterday.
“You should have one more.” She said and I showed her my cup of coffee.
She nodded and gave the spoon back to Tricia.
“Thanks for the coffee… Uhm… Sharon and for hosting us. We better leave before the nice guy comes here.” Morgan tried to make a joke.
“You’re right.” Betsy dropped her cup in the sink. “But before we go, I want to talk to my sis.” She hooked her arm around mine and practically pulled me out till we got outside.
“I didn’t know you were here,” I said and looked around the green backyard. The house is big to be owned by a young guy like Novan. I know he didn’t buy it himself but his dad. It’s his anyway.
“Yeah, how would you know?” Her hand played with the yellow petals of some of the flowers grown here.
“You know, Novan was…”
“You were comforting him huh?” She smirked and threw fresh petals at me.
“Yeah..” Memories of last night played before me.
“Yes. Tell me why you came.”
“Morgan and I thought we should check up on you two and if there’s any help we give but we came and realized you guys were doing just fine.”
“What do you mean?” I hope they didn’t hear our moans.
“Nothing. You’re just good at offering comforts. I heard how his sobs generated into moans so quickly.”
There she said it.
“Is this what you wanted to talk to me about?”
“Mainly. It’s not always you get to hear your best friend and her boyfriend having an intense moment.”
“Don’t be proud of that as if it’s some achievement. It’s bad to eavesdrop Betsy.”
“Hey, I didn’t plan to. I was coming to you guys and I heard it. I didn’t stay long and left. I heard what I was supposed to though.”
“Yes fine but don’t tease me about it okay? It’s been ten months and I missed him. Perhaps you don’t know what I’ve been through.” Tears welled in my eyes. Remembering that he left hurt more than anything.
“Hey what’s wrong? I’m sorry. What happened?” She stepped closer to me.
I closed the gap separating us and hugged her. “He left me, Betsy.” I broke into uncontrollable sobs.
“What? Why?”
“He even broke up with me and left signed divorce papers. Novan did all that to me.” I wailed. I never knew talking about this can make me cry this much.
“I don’t believe this! Tell me everything.” Betsy’s hands rubbed my back soothingly.
I pulled back and went to sit on a swing.
“I told you about his addiction and arrest. Well, that’s not all. I stayed away from him since then in order for him to change. We lived together but we didn’t share a bed and we don’t get intimate. During those times, I used to spend some of my time with Ed. He was a good companion. I didn’t know it still disturbs Novan when he sees me with him. Earlier of the day his dad passed away, he saw Ed and I at a restaurant together and he called everything off. He thought I love Edward and you know what? Edward did a lot of things that scarred my relationship. Novan almost left the country if not for his father’s audio. I only got to be close to him yesterday and even that, he left this morning.”
“I’m sorry about that. I didn’t know but why is he leaving? I thought he loves you.”
“Yes he loves me that I know but he said he needed space. How can he need space from me?”
” I’m not taking sides but you’re not innocent here. For all we know, Donovan is actually hurt more than you are. He lost his dad and this going on in his relationship. He needs the break. I’m glad he never stopped loving you and sad also that he left you in order to heal from all this. You don’t have to worry. Your love will keep you together no matter the distance. You two will find a way to each other always.”
“You think?”
“I’m positive.”
“What if he gets some girl over there..”
“Are you serious?” She chuckled. “You have to trust him.”
“Of course I do but I don’t trust those girls who will try to get close to him.”
“I can see Donovan loves you alone. He doesn’t see any other girls apart from you trust me.”
“He kissed that Ciara girl.”
“What?” Her laughter went wild. “Nina will kill him.”
Betsy is sure might be going crazy at the moment. How can Nina kill him? They’re friends.
“Why do you say so?”
“Ciara is gay and also Nina’s girlfriend.”
Okay. I think this information is familiar. Edward said something like this in his confession or something.
“Ciara is not a threat, Mariana. Free your mind.”
“Yes.” I’m relieved.
“Okay, so I’m not really good at advice and you know it but I’m here for you anytime you will need me as you’ve been there for me. I got you this.” Her hand went into the pocket of her hoodie and she brought the same types of pills Novan got me before.
Betsy might not be good at advice but I appreciate her consistency and support all these years. Her presence gives me that energy and I forget about my problems. I was crying awhile but I’m all sobered up. I like the fact that she sees the positive side of everything and make serious situations less tense.
“I know you don’t want to be a struggling single mother especially now that he’s gone so I’m giving you this.”
There is no way I’ll be a struggling mother but then, that’s Betsy’s humor for you.
“Thanks. You’re a lifesaver.” I put my phone down beside me, took it readily, and uncovered the two tiny pills into my throat. She surprised me by giving me water and I washed it down. I know I shouldn’t be afraid of any pregnancy coming on the way but I can’t help it. What if?
“Where did you get the..” I stopped when I saw Morgan behind her. He waved stupidly at me. Does he also know about yesterday?
I looked at Betsy and she shook her head slowly.
“We’re leaving. My mom wants me at home because she wants to start Christmas shopping early this year. You know Christmas is just a week away and I’ve always avoided shopping with her. This year is not my lucky year because she wouldn’t take any of my excuses. You should join us. I’m sure your mom will also come.”
“Yeah. I will think about it.” I might consider it. I don’t really have anything doing at that time.
“I see you got a new boyfriend.”
“I see you’re already up.” I just came back from the washroom and am ready to slip back into sleep.
“I have work to do. I had a long holiday. How I wish another Jude will come and take everything.”
“Yes. Didn’t you see how I had less work to do these past months? We had more time to ourselves. I’m hurt that he died.”
I laughed. I can’t believe he’s saying these things.
“You were mad when they were taken away and you called our daughter foolish.”
“I didn’t know whatever Jude did was for our daughter’s good. The poor man.”
“May his soul rest well.”
“Yeah but let’s forget about that. What’s up with you two? He’s been calling you and looked at the time. It’s five in the morning.”
“Who’s calling?”
My question was answered when my phone began to ring again.
Pablo passed my phone to me and I wondered why Donovan is calling me at this time.
“You have become so close that he calls you at odd hours. Wow. This is phenomenal and iconic I must say.”
“Don’t you think you have a problem for being jealous at your age?” I picked the call and it’s obvious Jude’s death didn’t change his son at all. He’s still a ruddy.
“What did he say?”
“He wants to see me.”
“What? Where’s he? Seriously, when did all this begin? You two were sworn, enemies.”
“That was because I didn’t know him.” I walked out of the room and Pablo followed.
“Why are you following me?”
“Why won’t I? I don’t trust that tatted man. He makes me wanna throw my stand and get a tattoo.”
Pablo is being playfully jealous and it’s amusing.
“I will love to see you get a tattoo, Pablo.”
“Sure. Just wait and see.” He said behind me and I couldn’t stop myself from laughing.
When we reached downstairs, Donovan was standing by the entrance. He must’ve heard my laughter so he raised his head.
I hope he’s fine. He doesn’t look okay and my mind is working furiously to dig out possible reasons why he wants to see me.
I wonder what Mariana’s father is saying to Paula that’s making her laugh so much. And why is he following her? There is no way I will talk if he doesn’t leave. I moved from the door when they got closer. A second later and Paula is standing in front of me. I waited for another second for her husband to vanish but he didn’t and he was looking at me. How I hate to be looked at. I hate it even more that I can’t tell him to fuck off or I will snap his fucking neck if he doesn’t stop looking. God knows why I even came here. Well, to tell Paula to not make a big of a deal out of what happened and forget it. I don’t know why it feels like I’m here to say goodbye to her and I feel like thanking her or something. Fuck. I do no such thing.
“I’m here.” Paula chirped.
“I can see that but tell your husband to go away.’
I looked into her face to communicate my eagerness for her husband to go and I prayed she gets me.
“Privacy Pablo.”
Thank God.
The look on Pablo’s face makes me want to laugh.
“Excuse us please.”
“Don’t be stubborn Pablo.”
“Okay fine. I will go and get one.” He walked away.
“Good luck with that,” Paula shouted after him.
What are they talking about?
“How are you?” She asked me with a kind caring smile. This woman is actually nice but I still don’t like her. However, my relationship with her is better than before.
“See, I’m not here for this shit. I just came..”
“Wait. I just send my husband away for your sake and you’re throwing it away?”
“I am throwing nothing away. I didn’t ask you to do it.” I certainly don’t mean it. I just feel like troubling her and I don’t want her to call me when I’m away. I’ve had enough of our friendship and I’m embarrassed for crying on her yesterday. If I try to be nice, she’ll take advantage and tease me about it.
“Yes, just because you saw that side of me you think it’s enough to act good to me and send your husband away?.”
“Seriously? I did it for you.”
“That’s what I don’t like. You should’ve done it on your own accord and not on my account?.”
“Fine. You’ll never change. Just tell me why you’re here or get out.”
Great. She’s pissed.
“What you saw yesterday is nothing like me. I don’t know why I did that and I’m sorry but it doesn’t mean we’re best of friends now. I still don’t like you.”
“You know, I thought you came to thank me which I don’t even want you to do and I thought you’re nice now but you proved me wrong. If you enjoy picking fights, don’t bring it on me, and also, I still don’t like you. Seeing you weep didn’t change a thing.”
“Good, we’re on the same course. Goodbye Paula madam.” I turn on my heels.
“Wait, Donovan.” I stopped.
“I know you’re shy but I wasn’t going to tease you about it, believe me. I know you well by now. This is just an act.”
So much for going weak in front of your biggest enemy.
And what now? She thinks she knows me.
Lord save me!
{Loving him with all his flaws.}
Lord save me!
Maybe seeing right through my facade proves that.
“Alright, you won but please forget about yesterday. It didn’t happen.”
“Yeah, I know. Tell me, where are you running off to? Is this goodbye?”
“How did you know?” I turned.
“I told you.” She smiled at me and left.
Yeah. She’s a nosy detective just like her daughter. How did I forget that profession runs through their veins?
After Betsy and Morgan left, I went back inside with my phone tightly in my grasp. I can’t keep sane if Novan doesn’t call quickly.
I decided to do the cleaning myself since I have nothing to do at the moment. Waiting for Novan’s call will only drive me mad.
First, I arranged my books back on the shelf then I picked a broom. Almost everything in the room has been destroyed and only the bed, wardrobe and shelf is left standing. There were no more decorations in the room also.
I swept, cleaned, and mopped the floor. I did a vacuuming and all the things to make the room clean once again.
“God! What are you doing?!” Sharon with an alarmed face met me at the foot of the stairs when I was dragging the rubbish down.
“Just cleaning up.”
“You should’ve told me.”
“No way.”
“Okay. I wouldn’t have done it myself but we have cleaners.”
“I know. I just want to keep myself busy.”
“Still. I will have this.”
“Thanks.” I left the big trash can for her and went back to our room.
I can’t deny how foreign and weird it sounds referring to Novan’s room as ‘our room’.
Each time I catch myself saying it, it feels new to my tongue.
Getting back into the room, I’m impressed with the justice I did to it. It’s clean and bland as well but okay. I will just have to fill in the missing items. I finally went to take my bath and picked any dress I could go in.
Novan is the type, I don’t always like to impress so I just wear anything not until he said he liked that white dress. Novan really doesn’t care what I wear. He always says, “you look good in anything Riana.” I don’t know how true that is but since I don’t seek to impress anybody, I just go with anything.
I brushed my hair back and held it in a low pony. There wasn’t any mirror to look in so I walked to the washroom. My skin is now smooth again. I took time to shave and re-shave. I waxed as well and remembering Novan’s teasing about them last time, I felt more embarrassed. No matter what, I won’t forget them again. My eyebrows are bushy and need plucking. I can’t remember the last time I went to the salon. I need to visit one before the Christmas celebration. I hope Novan will be there to celebrate with me this time around too.
I took the book I put the letters inside to read but ended up reading Novan’s letters all over again and crying.
I pulled the comforter to myself and took my phone. I couldn’t wait any longer so I dialed his number and it went straight to voicemail.
I put the phone down to bury myself in the comforter when Nervisa walked in. I sat up and smiled at her.
“What happened to this room?”
“Nothing. I did cleanup and discarded the old things. I will get new things to fill it up.”
“No, you’re lying. I know my brother destroyed the things. He has done it before.”
“You seem to know everything. Come sit beside me.”
She did and we sat in silence for some minutes.
“Is my father ever gonna come back?”
I almost choked.
“He won’t come but you’ll go to him when you’re his age and more. That place is heaven.”
“He won’t come then.”
“I’m sorry.” I pulled her to me.
“I don’t want to go to America. I want to stay with you at your house.”
“Why? Your brother won’t agree.”
“It has always been his way. I’m tired of it Mariana. He chose to go away so why should I follow him?”
I didn’t have an answer to give her. I know she’s right.
“Can you be able to live without him?” As for me, I can’t.
“He only stayed around when I was a baby. Since Sharon came into our life when I was five, Nova hardly stays and he’s always doing shit. He comes home exhausted from it.”
God. Does she witness Novan smoking or doing the other one?
“He doesn’t stay with you?”
“Excuse me for saying all these things to you but you’re his girlfriend right?”
“Yeah. You can say anything.”
“Okay. He used to keep me indoors because of my sickness then and he used to be around. When Sharon came, he still prepare my food. My brother really takes care of me. It’s just that, he doesn’t really stay. Sometimes, I wish Sharon didn’t come into our lives. After surgery, he comes and provides everything but he doesn’t do anything like taking me out and stuff. I know he probably doesn’t notice it and I’m thinking it’s because he’s busy. I’m not sad about it but at least you know why I can live some days without him. I can’t go a month though.” She chuckled.
“This time he wants you with him. I don’t think Sharon will be coming so he’ll have time for you.”
“No. He’ll go to work and school then stay out with his weird friends. He might get back to his old ways. I will get bored sitting at home and waiting for him to come and besides, I have my friends here that I don’t wanna go away from.”
“So what do we do?”
“I already told you. I want to stay here with you and maybe at your house.”
“And don’t you want to go with your mother?”
Her face shifts to a thoughtful gleam. “No. That’s a faraway country. I don’t wanna be there and you see, I don’t really know Tricia. I will prefer my father to her. On the contrary, I will stay with her if she stays here also.”
I noticed something.
Novan calls his mother by her name and Nervisa too but they call Jude ‘father’. Why? Is it that they like Jude more?
“I will talk to your brother when he calls me.”
“Thanks. Tricia is taking me out so I’m going if you don’t want to come with us.”
“I will pass. Have fun.” She kissed me on the cheek and ran out.
Sharon also left the house moments after Nervisa and Tricia left so I was left all alone, still waiting for Novan to call me.
I stood by the window and looked ahead. My eye falls on the old greenhouse I’ve been to only once. It looks discarded with unwanted tall plants around it. It could be dangerous. What if snakes start to breed there? I wanted to go there but for that reason, I stopped myself.
I went back to sit on the bed and picked a book and pen. Christmas is a week away. I began to draw my plans. Where I will go and the things I will do. I will go home tomorrow and help my mother with the preparations. I will also take the children in my NGO to Disneyland. I promised to go with them last year but couldn’t so this year I would. I also need to see my therapist and also meet my final appointment with the doctor. Lastly, If possible, I will resume work with my parents. I don’t really seem to have something to do.
I went downstairs to get myself something to eat and once again, I’m reminded of Novan.
I can’t do this.
I ran back upstairs and packed a few of my things.
If I’m alone, I’m going to keep thinking about him and before I realize, I will be taking a flight to California to look for him. I know I will see him there.
I left a message for Nervisa and Tricia before leaving for my parent’s house.
My mother wasn’t at home when I came but once she returned, she came to my room.
“I’ve missed you, mom.” I got up from my bed and hugged her. She’s the sweetest thing I ever know.
“Miss you too sweetheart. You’re here because your boyfriend left you huh?”
“How did you know? And..he didn’t leave me.” My heart skipped when she said that. It looks like Novan has actually left me but he didn’t leave me for real right? We’re still together, just far away physically.
“Alright. I’m glad you’re at home this time. You barely stayed last year.”
“He left for the states mom.” I sat on the bed and massaged my temple. Too much is going on in my life. I’ve got health issues, boyfriend issues and I’m still stuck in sophomore year.
“You’ll be fine.” She sat down beside me.
“How do you know?” Right now I’m scared that I will lose him. What if he doesn’t return? He hasn’t even called or texts me yet.
“Problems come and go in relationships, Mariana. It’s not a bad thing because they come to strengthen us. Your father and I passed through a lot. It might not be the same as yours since you’re the originator of your own problems.” She laughed.
“Seriously mom?”
“I’m sorry but I’m not lying. Your boyfriend is something else and you’re also another…”
“I thought you were talking to me?”
“Yes yes. I was saying the things we faced. It’s nothing like yours but they’re all unpleasant. I don’t have to say them all, you know already. The good part is that those obstacles didn’t come to destroy us like it was supposed to. It made us stronger. Because of that, nothing again can break your father and I. Nothing.”
When I didn’t say anything, she continued.
” I’m not surprised by what is happening in your relationship. I just pray you come through it stronger. Love really doesn’t mean you’ll always see eye to eye and agree on everything. It doesn’t mean you won’t argue and get mad at each other. It means despite the bad days, you see it hard to stay away from each other. You two keep coming to each other in spite of everything and it gives me hope as well as scares me. It does but I will still remain hopeful. Just be strong. Nothing will ever break you once you’re through it.”
My mother’s smile and kind words are etched in my mind as I close my eyes to sleep in hope that tomorrow will be nice and Novan will call me while drawing his teddy closer to me than ever before.
Forgetting that Betsy was doing her internship, I went to her house only to meet her back. I drove to Novan’s house and picked Nervisa then branched off to Amy’s house. She’s been asking when I will come visit her and Nervisa also will like to see her so I guess today is the right time. I just don’t know how she’ll feel about Nervisa since she’s her ex daughter. Amy didn’t come to the funeral which I’m not so surprised about.
When we arrived and I didn’t see Amy anywhere around her massive mansion, I didn’t have to ask anyone. I know just where she’ll be on a day like this. Nervisa and I walked to her home studio and there she was but she wasn’t alone.